vintage irrationality

tough stuff

2011-07-15T00:42:00.003-04:00

The last several months have been really difficult... from the loss of a dear friend to cancer, the destruction of my family home in the wildfire, and then some other stressful things, I think I'm justified in just being really sick of having to hang tough, be strong, hang in there, and be realistic... For the love of GOD... Anyone who knows me knows that I am a strong woman... but they also know that I love my little dog to pieces. He's a little chihuahua mix dog, about 11 pounds and I just melt when I see him. He is like my little kid and I baby him. He's my favorite thing about coming home and I just love hanging out with him. Yesterday on our walk, I stopped to talk to my pregnant neighbor. She's just days away from her due date and I wanted to just say hi and let her know I was thinking of her, wishing her luck on her big day. While we were talking, her dog (a 60-lb shepherd mix) jumped out of her yard and made a bee-line for my dog. She grabbed him by the scruff but he got away and then she got hold of his hind quarter, held him down and just chomped on him. I was screaming NO! My neighbor ran after her dog and fell flat on her stomach when she was knocked off balance. I finally was able to pick Finn up from the road and hold him away from her... And Finn... my tiny little Finn is just terrified... another neighbor took us to the vet and aside from several puncture marks he's in tact but his wits have taken a beating. I can't get over how sad and heartbroken I am. Yet my mother just says I'm being ridiculous, he's a dog and he'll get over it and I should just let the whole thing go. Regardless of the reality of this or legitimacy of her argument, it motherfucking happened YESTERDAY!!!!! I think I have a right to have a couple days to be a little freaked out thank you very much and just because she sounds very rational and reasonable doesn't make her RIGHT. I realize that sometimes mothers do this and react strangely to adult daughters, but I can't abide that accusation.... I'm crazy because I am sad that my little dog is suffering so much. Whatever.

a lot to learn...

2011-07-04T13:57:00.003-04:00

Today is my 3rd personal independence day. It was 3 years ago today that I moved into my 1st house. Looking back, I have learned a lot, not only about living completely on my own, but also about homeownership, the beauty of making decisions for JUST me, and what I really want for my life. It's not a lot, is it? (tongue in cheek)

It took a long time to break free of the power I had given others over me. It was easier to meet other people's expectations than to meet my own. In the last three years I have struggled to rid myself of that yoke. And now comes the acceptance part. Acceptance of my decisions and my attitudes, owning my journey, and healing from the past and determining the next part of my life.

Throughout this, acknowledging how far I've come also means accepting and celebrating there is so much more to go. A true acceptance of "it's not about the destination" attitude. Today, the lessons involve the meaning of home. As well as the desire to enhance my home life.

What are you worth?

2011-06-13T17:24:00.002-04:00

The question is really, "If you were to lose everything tomorrow, what are you worth?" Presumably without liquid assets, cash, stocks, real estate.... standing on a street corner with lint in your pockets, what would you be worth? I suppose, if I was armed with nothing but my wits, I'd be like any other poor homeless gal. Although, I have enough loving people in my life that they would do whatever they could for me, let me stay with them until I could finance my independence. Just as my mother has done before.

This has come up in my life as we are anxiously awaiting the firefighters to contain another Arizona wildfire, this one threatens my mother's home and its contents, including my grandmother's and greatgrandmother's china, furniture, and several other irreplaceable heirlooms. We were able to get the dogs, some clothing, personal items, one vehicle, and a couple of scrapbooks out before the Sheriff's deputies insisted we leave. As we climbed into our cars, the planes were flying low and dropping fire retardant on the surrounding landscape and the fire crested the ridge over the house. My heart sank into my belly where it churned around for the rest of the evening, night, and continued today.

My worth is not measured by my things, neither is my mother's worth. We both felt fortunate to have rescued the dogs and to be together. It does not, however, diminish our concern that her house she built with my stepfather and had spent the last 30 years in would be gone with a large gust of wind encouraging the blaze to jump the firebreak.

2011-03-06T22:22:00.007-05:00

"Take time each day to tune into your physical body and ask it what it needs. Treat it as a dear friend, rather than your worst enemy, and just as you will find with human beings, you'll receive far more cooperation from that which you love, than that which you hate. Your bodies have an intelligence all their own that if you listen, will tell you exactly what you need on any given day. Nurture yourself in the same way that you nurture others and bless everything you put into your body to provide you with the nourishment that you need to maintain your health and well being. Love both the food you eat and the Earth it comes from."

The quote is an excerpt from a blog post by "Earth Mother" formerly of "In the Raw" blog about raw foods.

I'm using her quote today as this was my truth today as I remembered and celebrated this wisdom along with some of my own. When my friend Tracy, a chef at a well-known spa, passed away from cervical cancer just before Christmas, I did my best through my grief to learn some lessons from her.

Tracy had a passion for food and she loved cooking, being a chef and doing her job. She and I used to enjoy a lot of time together talking over dinner, making plans for the future, discussing how she felt about chemotherapy and her health. We talked a lot about how the choices we made when we were kids were affecting our adult lives... we talked about our moms, people we chose to be sisters, mutual friends, growing up as only children, and even how crazy it was that some of her friends actually suggested she should be dating while she was dealing with chemo and radiation! ha!

Tracy taught me, whether by design, observation, or generally by life lesson, that it's vital to take care of your body and nurture it with good things. She routinely reminded me that while we love to eat, your body and your mind are best when provided with nutritious whole and homemade food. She taught me that it was essential to enjoy things that make you happy but above all, be healthy. That was her message, her life lesson to me and others... at least I believe that's what she was trying to teach me. And that was what I needed from her.

While I may not be perfect and I really love to eat food that is bad for me, I am working on it. I'm growing and changing all the time. Reframing my thoughts is something I constantly work on and food and being healthy and smart about my choices is one area that I am continuously striving for.

To that end, this afternoon I spent a few hours in the kitchen slicing and preparing. I made three jars of cured veggies. They're fermenting on the shelf in the lounge and there's a jar of daikon, carrot, and spices in the fridge. I'm hoping the latter will be ready for lunch tomorrow. There are strawberries, tomatoes, and tofu in the dehydrator and I made an awesome simmer sauce for some chicken, broccoli, cabbage, and mushroom stirfry over garlic brown rice and quinoa. Today is the first day in months where I have had time to do those things. It felt good. Really good. I'm hoping to finally make that leap, that connection that one needs to have where you WANT to actually eat the good stuff and will turn down the bad stuff to get it.

2011-03-05T13:34:00.001-05:00

There truly is nothing better than enjoying an easy morning with a warm contented puppy on your lap.

2011-02-27T12:38:00.002-05:00

Class yesterday was an exercise in reframing and adjusting perceptions in order to alleviate stress. I not only learned a lot about the fundamentals of what I've already been trying to do, but I learned a great deal about my self, my viewpoint, my goals, and even my expectations and standards of conduct for myself and friends in my life.

While I am unhappy about some of the circumstances surrounding a particular decision, it looks like my last classes may be delayed by a year. I have come to terms with it, but I would of course prefer to be on my own terms and not those of someone else who does not have my best interests at heart.

Truth, perception, and the venomous reality

2011-02-22T20:53:00.003-05:00

Perception is very powerful. We base our decisions on it, we labor over the rightness of it, and we lose sleep over the consequences of it. For all it's subjectivity, perception is 9/10 of reality. Perceptions are clouded by all of our filters, our traumatic experiences, even our genders (I argue often that women read into things all the time... but that's another argument for another day).

If we say that the absolute truth of a thing is the reality without the benefit of perception, the intrinsic state of the thing, then is that really possible to understand? It's pretty tough to see the absolute truth of any event as we all have a different view of what happened, who said what, what that tone was, the choice of words, and on and on...

Several years ago I had a disagreement with a partner. Instead of buying into his crazy behavior and just getting angry, I excused myself to impose some distance to the problem and gain control over my emotions. When I came back in the room about 10 minutes later, he mocked me and said I had stomped out of the room to pout because I wasn't getting my way. My personal truth was that I had very deliberately used a measured tone to express that I was taking a break and steadily walked down the hallway to my room. His personal truth, it can be argued, was that I wasn't playing his game and he wanted to provoke me. It could also have been that he truly saw me as a child or behaving childishly. Or really I could go on for another hour trying to guess...

This is but one example of how truth is so difficult to identify because of perspective. Had there been a video camera in the room would it have recorded me stomping out of the room, a petulant child gone to pout and punish my companion? Or would it have displayed a measured step, a calm outward appearance with even tones explaining that I wasn't to be baited? Maybe a portion of both?

The concept of absolute truth is something that my dear friend Josh and I used to discuss a lot. I would argue that it was impossible to know the absolute truth of all things because we are human and plagued with filters, perceptions, perspective, psyches, and opinions. He argued that if we prayed enough and studied enough, devoting our every waking hour to God and His divine word we could put aside our filters, perceptions, perspective, psyches, and opinions to see the intrinsic nature of the thing and realize a higher state of being. Maybe next to godliness. I do not disagree that it's important to endeavor to put aside those things that influence your perception in order to give us greater objectivity, but we are human. It is possible to see another's truth so clearly, but not always our own.

The last several days I've been having an ongoing conversation about how we didn't understand the truth of a series of events because we listened to someone who distorted the truth. We allowed ourselves to be poisoned to the truth. We believed someone and did not question further. I'm trying to figure out if there is any way I can repair my relationship with this person. Were we intentionally misled or was there some other truth for her that we can't know? This will keep me spinning for a while.

2011-02-22T00:45:00.002-05:00

Looking for something you'll never find.... those words resonate throughout my brain space and they have ever since I read them. Years ago when I started writing this, one of my friends told me that I was looking for something I would never find. He was right. Sort of.

I was looking for something I didn't really need, something that wasn't important, and something that would never be what I needed it to be. So the fact that I was looking for something I wouldn't find, well that wasn't the problem... I had to figure out what I should be looking for... I mean really, does anyone find EXACTLY what they're looking for every time? Don't we have to make that mistake so we can figure out what we should be looking for? I didn't find my soulmate or even my best friend... but I can tell you what I did find... me. Not just looking in the mirror but seriously finding the real me, the core of a woman who deeply loves, deeply thinks, and deeply feels. And I can tell you with every amount of conviction in my body that I am enough. I don't need a soulmate or best friend... really. I have me. And I really like that person.

On my journey, I have found that most people I share with find me entirely too serious or "out there" but I really think that's simply because they don't get it. And seriously, I am unapologetic about being a serious person, about working to heal my life, and about doing whatever it takes to love myself again. Employing the law of attraction and "ask and it is given" thought patterns, I'm now attracting things into my life that I not only need but deserve.

Part of this process has been really painful and I didn't want to share that in my public blog. But I'm ready to start writing again... I think. Between work and grad school, I write and edit constantly so this is an outlet that is sort of a "busman's holiday" as far as outlets go.

2007-03-16T18:25:00.000-04:00

For a while now I've been silent, as I didn't really want to talk about the stupid crap tht was happening because there's really nothing all that interesting to say. Well the thing is, I've been silent for too long now. I'm tired of not talking because I'm embarrassed to blather... Blather follows:

everything realized

2007-01-01T01:17:00.000-05:00

Well it's like he must have read what I wrote and then said exactly what he needed to say to make sure I left permanently. As for my sex life now, it's no-no-nothing. I tried to find a "buddy" but frankly no one gets how to do that... he wanted more. I couldn't give it. Suddenly then he turned it all around like I'm some sort of psycho. I really hate that guy thing... it's like they take lessons. They somehow manage to make you think you're crazy. Yeah... you don't know Jason Watkins. I've been there, bought my own damned t-shirt and one for his lover, her children and husband. Blah blah blah. You can soooo not manipulate me, I'm immune to your little asshole tricks! The only action I get is a hug every week from a dude that works in our radio shop. I need a new life.

2006-03-09T16:44:00.000-05:00

okay it's been a month. He hasn't hardly touched me in almost a month. This is what I worried about. Why is it that when you don't think sex is the most important thing it suddenly becomes NOTHING. I feel so fat and unattractive. I've mentioned it before... I've talked about what I need, asked for what I want. It changes for two days and then NOthing. Why is it always like this? Why does this happen? I'm so annoyed.

self-help new year

2006-01-04T09:37:00.000-05:00

I really wish I had been clever enough to write some of these self-help books. Not that I need them... quite the contrary. They're quite common-sensical and had I been savvy enough I would have written these things down. Hell I think I have written about a lot of them: I've become my mother, giving up stuff, don't let that man choose your life, accepting your shadows. I guess I would need a degree to be credible but hell I could write these things.

I rarely make New Year's resolutions because they never really pan out and then I'm disappointed. I just try to rejoice in new beginnings and treasure the time off to think about my life and where I want it to go.

mediocre

2005-12-29T09:49:00.000-05:00

I watched a talk show yesterday where I heard a man actually tell his wife that she was something he settled for. Her face was heartbreaking.

This is honestly my worst nightmare. I don't know what I would do if R were to tell me that he just sort of figured he couldn't get anything better so he just stuck with me for the time being. I mean, I know I would go on, but I'm not so sure that recovering from that sort of pain would be possible without some serious counselling.

It took me a long time to heal from my last break-up. Years. So if healing takes on exponential proportions then I'd have to say I'd be 60 by the time I healed from that sort of pain again.

I think the worst pain in any relationship would be to find out that someone had settled. That you yourself are an interim solution to the problem of lonliness, but your significant other is simply waiting for something better to come along. Being treated like an emotional tampon, getting yourself all involved and commited yet your level of commitment isn't matched.

There are times when I wonder if R is really as commited as I am. There are times when I worry that my heart will be shattered in a few days because R will tell me he's changed his heart. That he doesn't really love me like he thought and there's someone else. God I would feel so used.

Hell I already feel a bit lonely because he's at work all the time. He isn't being neglectful on purpose, it's just a consequence of his schedule.... and it's not like he can control that... I certainly wouldn't ever tell him that he's neglecting me. Only if he went out drinking every night after work or something like that.

I think every woman would prefer to have a partner who treasures her and considers himself so lucky to have her in his life. No one wants to be involved with someone who is just going through the motions.

poster child for birth control...

2005-12-22T17:35:00.000-05:00

I'm often relieved I made the decision to not have kids. Then there are days when I regret the fact I don't have children. I think it's often around the holidays where a sort of melancholy sets in and I miss having that little person in my life. But God's honest truth, I don't think I would have been a very good mommy. I'm barely responsible for myself, I often forget to feed my dog until he's chewing on my slippers.

I think I really started to slip down the slippery slope when R and I had an argument. He painfully admitted that he didn't know if he could trust me with Anna. I have to painfully admit to myself that he might be right.

I would often find myself weepy at the thought of losing R. Losing our relationship, losing our life together and certainly losing the opportunity to be in Anna's life. Not like I see her that often now, but I do all the gifts, reminding R when to call her and I make her cards all the time. I am painting her room and planning her summer activities right now.

The thought of losing that is just too painful to bear. That pisses me off. I don't want to love someone that much.

Christmas

2005-12-21T17:35:00.000-05:00

Secretly I hate Christmas.

I used to rejoice in the lights, festive vibe, shopping for presents and all that crap. After a particularly emotional Christmas about 8 years ago, I've been struggling with it ever since.

I was married to my second husband and my best friend at the time lived across the street. Her health had been deteriorating and I did what I could to help her out with the kids and the house. Her husband at the time was a cop and rarely home.

The kids both attended a Catholic school and Christmas for them was even more huge due to all the school stuff going on like choir and the rest of it. Those kids were like my own. I took them to school and ironed their clothes. I cooked dinner and checked homework. I gave permission, revoked privileges, doled out allowance.

I adored those children. I felt like they were mine in some way. During their Christmas recital I realized that the hole in my heart was because I had denied myself the joy I wanted. I hated myself so much I wouldn't allow myself to be happy in any way.

I was paying penance. Penance for the pain I'd caused my first husband. I decided then that Christmas was about kids. Without kids I wasn't really enjoying it. It was hollow. Just like Christmas is hollow for me today. At least I am happy with R. At least I can focus on Anna. I have a deep seated fear that R will change his mind about being here with me away from her. I often wish she lived with us so R would be happy.

a scarlet letter

2005-12-20T17:49:00.000-05:00

Recently I was talking to a friend about revealing things that are negative about oneself. When it comes to bad decisions, I've made a lot of them.

I'm not proud of them, but I'm not exactly wearing a hair shirt about them. I decided a long time ago that the most important opinion was my own.

Admittedly, I torture myself often about the paths I've walked, harangued myself for not choosing the other road, hated myself for not being a better person.

I will never tell myself that I shouldn't regret those things I've done, but I'm not going to let it dictate who I am today. I believe those choices have shaped me. I think they've helped me to be less judgemental, more open-minded and definitely a lot more tolerant of bad choices others make.

I tried to think of specific things I wouldn't want my parents to know about me or what I wouldn't want R's parents to know about me... but the God's honest truth is I think they already know.

But, what about things I wouldn't put on a t-shirt?

The hardest thing in the world to face is a reflection that you don't respect. A reflection of a horrible self in a child's eyes, yeah that's probably worse.

I may not be a better person but I absolutely do try to be. I would never want R's daughter to see me in a negative light. I suppose that's what happens when you have kids. You absolutely want to be a better person for their sake.
There are more but I'd really rather not share. Wouldn't want anyone stealing my t-shirt ideas :)

connecting...

2005-12-04T19:27:00.000-05:00

There have always been cycles in my life... ups and downs, ins and outs and periods of loneliness and periods where I can't seem to find enough time alone. This is an odd time for me. I spend my days surrounded by students, kids really... sort of alone in my own way. Alone in a crowd... there are times when that is the loneliest feeling ever. I must be a grown up now because it's a whole different emotion... it's not loneliness at all. It's more like a feeling of being self-contained, feeling like I don't need anyone, I have everything I need... Maybe it's the difference between being happy and having everything I've worked for and what I used to feel that I needed.

2005-11-12T07:39:00.000-05:00

Admittedly I'm a sucker for romance. I'm also really tolerant of not having any romance at all. I think what happens is that we see unrealistic relationships portrayed on TV, in tabloids, in movies. Even R has his moments, but of course those are few and far between... and of course they were more frequent when we were dating. I'm realisitic enough to know that a commited relationship is not a perpetual tryst or one long date. Frankly, women who think that are kidding themselves. I don't, however, believe it's unreasonable to expect/demand a certain amount of couple time per week. We have ours, but of course I'd like more. I don't know where we'd carve that time from. R has Mon and Tue off but I have school Mon thru Thurs. We have lunch every Friday and then we get Sunday mornings, so that's nice. I don't have much school time left for this semester so we'll have more togetherness time during the holidays. I'm hopeful we'll have a little bit of snow... Fender needs snow. He would love it. :)

revisited

2005-11-10T21:59:00.000-05:00

I haven't used this blog in a long time because I created The Groupie Chronicles. I thought I was opening a new chapter on my life, new challenges. Then today I realized that I haven't started a new chapter, I've really just turned a page. I'm not sure what I'm going to use this for now, most likely more private thoughts than the others.

2004-12-09T15:38:00.000-05:00

In that same vein of disappointments, I've got friends who forget me when it comes to parties, friends who act like I'm not in the room. Robb gets pretty protective of me and insists that I reexamine my friendships. I wholeheartedly thank him for loving me so much he demands that other people treat me as I deserve. I've been a doormat far too long. I've let a lot of people walk on me and take me for granted, still loyal to them. No more. I'm moving on in my life and others will have to keep up... I'm probably overstating the case, but the bottom line is this: I've got my life and my own priorities. I cannot allow anyone to railroad that anymore.
for more check out my latest project The Groupie Chronicles

2004-12-09T15:23:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about disappointments lately. Not because I want to, but I seem to be confronted with them. Over and over. I'm all for my friends growing and changing, becoming more interesting people, maturing. But this is not like that. Not unless we're counting inconsiderate behavior as mature and personal growth. Now I must admit that I am not perfect. I'm quite forgetful which can often be misconstrued as thoughtless. I'm quite scattered which can often come across as aloof. However, I don't believe I deliberately neglect/ignore and behave in a hurtful manner. One friend of mine was very attentive and helpful during a period of time when Robb and I were having trouble. Adam was there for me and even made sure we went to Bruges for the weekend to have something else to do other than sit and commisserate. When his girlfriend blew into town, who is also a good friend/former roommate of mine, neither one of them bothered to even ask me if I was okay. I had a couple really hard days in there. While I forgave him for his oversight, it was very difficult to forgive them both for their continued inconsiderate behavior... I won't get into specifics, but it was pretty awful for us all. Trent was not immune to this either. He is usually my one rock in all this nasty crazy storm around me. Except he has these new friends. A young couple his own age and they really enjoy his company. They do a good bit of drinking together. Not a problem for me, I'm sort of over that stage of my life at this point. I'm glad he likes them. I do not like them that much. He's okay but she's really snooty. I can do without that. Trent has been making plans with me and then reneging when they call with a better offer. I've explained that this behavior is unacceptable. He has one more chance to act like my friend. If he can't manage to do that then I can't manage to be his friend.

2004-11-04T23:05:00.000-05:00

so there I was... I actually went out with a couple of interested parties to explore how I felt about that alternative lifestyle. While it did sound like a fantastic and interesting opportunity, the pitfalls are pretty pitty. I'm an emotional person. I wanted to believe that I could just continue to have semi-emotional relationships/encounters with whomever, but that's just not in my nature. I get very attached and that's just another person to throw in the mix of emotional and sexual activity. R told me that day we went to see Shark Tale that he was a moron. Well, yes i happened to agree. Anyone who would not want me in their life is a moron. So, yeah you guessed it, I not only have given him a second chance, we've put it all back together. He has been so contrite, I can't believe that any man would subjugate himself like that if he wasn't sincere. While I questioned my desire for the suburbian dream, I don't think that's what I'm settling for. I don't think I'm settling really. R may have been a weenie by dumping me at one point, but the reality is that he treats me pretty well. Truthfully, I feel like I'm on top of the world when I'm with him. That's what I kept looking for. Well, that and a man who thinks I'm the most awesome thing on the planet... so there ya go. R has his second chance... it sucks because he's deployed now so we have to have a long distance thing for a while. Maybe others might view this as a mistake, but honestly, I don't care. I feel right.

2004-10-04T16:20:00.000-04:00

Well where was I? I don't know... well anyway. I've been thinking that normal/typical relationships are just stupid. At least for me anyway. At least for a while. I think I want to try something completely new and out of the ordinary. Polyamory has been a fascination of mine ever since I figured out I am bisexual. I read an article about this woman who lived in a house with two men. Both of whom she shared a sexual relationship with her. They told the interviewer they never "shared" her as in like a freaky threesome, but I wonder if they didn't just say that to avoid crazy people. Just because you enjoy freaky things like that doesn't make you a deviant. I've really been thinking about this. And I've really been thinking about my views on relationships. I think that might be why they don't work is because I'm trying to fit into something that doesn't really fit. I kept thinking I wanted this suburbia thing with Mr. Right and the step children and four dogs... really that doesn't work for me. I enjoy my freedom too much. I would much rather be who I am, have several sexual relationships if I choose to and enjoy my dogs... since I can't have kids I guess I'd have to borrow children on occasion but last I checked with most of my friends... they'll hand you their children before their car keys. I think I should continue to explore this... my regular readers have since gone the way of the dodo bird so I don't think I'll be scaring anyone :) hahaha
Strangely, I was second-guessing this whole exploration of self earlier... R called me and asked me to go see a movie with him and his daughter... this was the little girl I truly believed I was going to have in my life forever. I was heartbroken when R and I split not just because I adored him but his daughter is probably the cutest little girl on the planet. I didn't know how I would feel when he told me she wanted to see me. I felt gutted when he called and said that she kept asking after me. I didn't know what to do. I know what the right thing is of course... it's to see her and let her know I love her. Just because Daddy is a weenie-head doesn't mean she isn't my favorite 4-year old. So, Saturday we're heading to see Shark Tale. I spoke with her on the phone and she's so excited. Ya know... the crazy thing about R is that he wants to be my friend because "you don't get on my nerves". Never has a woman been so complimented... yeah.

2004-10-02T20:54:00.000-04:00

five days after my last post I started dating R... we pursued our relationship in earnest, but interestingly enough, despite how much I love him still it will never work. It's difficult to articulate, but one cannot love when one does not love themselves. They don't love, they depend, they fixate, they hand over their entire emotional condition to someone else. We've had our issues, but it's time to move on. He's still my dearest friend. Better for me than A ever was... ever would be... but he's so not ready for what I offer. I've been asking myself what I want... really analyzing it. Really. Not like I hadn't before, but this time was different. I wondered what I had bungled in my relationship with R. I kept thinking that he couldn't love me for some deficiency I displayed. I didn't know it was about him and not me... during my introspection, I have figured out that I've become consumed with relationships. I guess in some small way, that's what life is about anyway... we're not here to live our lives out as individuals living in huts, never speaking to anyone. The internet has isolated us in many ways, but if we use it wisely, then it helps us. I've just made a huge effort to get out more and talk to more people. Do more things with others. I have been so depressed lately. I thought it was bad, but I got a letter from my friend I've not heard from in quite some time. He's been clinically depressed and didn't want to drag me into his misery so didn't write... but he's making progress and has decided to reach out. I guess I'm not as bad off as I originally believed. Now playing: Psuedopod - All over you... Being consumed with relationships I originally worried for myself. I have since discovered this isn't a bad behavior. Not really. As long as it doesn't become obsession... hahaha. Why can't we lose ourselves to who we are when we have people in our lives who care about us? I certainly hate that feeling of being alone. For so long I believed I was completely alone. I didn't think I had anyone in my life who really cared about me nor how I felt. I've since figured out this was just an illusion.

2004-05-08T19:21:00.000-04:00

for several months now I've had conflicts... conflicts of personality, conflicts of interest.... conflicts. I've been trying like hell to get over A. Contrary to popular belief, we've had a relationship... frought with peril, plagued by really good sex and for cryin' out loud I absolutely love him. I don't think I'm in love but the line is there... waiting for me to cross it. I don't want anyone to tie me down and I certainly don't know what I want. I tried being into others... I had a period where I was way into Bryce. Yeah well he's not participating so this makes it impossible. Robb seems like he'd be willing but I know me... I'd completely trounce him. Unintentionally, of course, but he'd be so sweet... I guess I need the combination of Bill... so fun to be with but completely screwed up, and Aaron, so fun to be with but doesn't love me as I need... the sex with A is soooooo blissful... Bill is such a great guy but that wasn't so good. He had a piercing which was interesting but not the end all be all.... whatever. I'm more interested in where it's going. And if Bill can't answer an email then clearly we're not meant for each other. I'm a bit more needy than I'd like to admit. So the other men I've met over the net have been such gentlemen as I've demanded... but they're clearly interested in pursuing more. Am I such a bad person for wanting more than a tiny little guy and a needy sex hound? Oh hell, I might sleep with the sex hound... maybe even the needy guy because he's such a romantic... but I run the risk of stalkers... Does it mean I'm a slut if I have 3 sex partners during the same time period? whatever... who cares? I care about how I feel not what others think... Dan... that's another I haven't mentioned... he's out of town now, but will be back in another week I think. I like being with him. He's fun and he has no expectations. I'm embarrassed about B.... he saw me at my absolute worst. He was kind and caring but honestly... any man who has seen me and smelled me for that matter after I've accidentally peed myself I'm not so sure I want them around! eEEEEEEk!!! Now playing: Love My Way --Psychadelic Furs

2003-06-13T04:22:00.000-04:00

I guess this new found self confidence I have has paid off... depends on how you interpret it.

It all started on Wednesday. Eli invited me to quiz night for Thursday. A bunch of kids (20-somethings) at work have been going. I think they were shocked when I said I'd go. So, I meet Eli at his house and we drive to the pub. They seemed genuinely happy I was there. We really had fun. I helped with several of the questions. I made fun of the Brits sitting around us, and they made fun right back. We were generally loud and boisterous but we didn't approach Ugly American status. We got 11th place. Which isn't last. So we were happy!

Well, one of the guys that was on our team, Aaron, had just returned from a trip. I don't know that I ever really talked to him before he left. He's been really great, very complimentary of my helpfulness at work. So, there we were, he was flirting. This happens to me all the time. Normally I ignore it. It's just like the staring thing. (Men and women... they all stare at me all the time... I normally ignore it cos I don't know why they do it.)

I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, that men arrange things while the women are in the bathroom. We don't take that long, but somehow we emerge from the restroom and the men always have plans worked out. I think all the strategy for every battle has been made while the women are in the bathroom.

Aaron somehow manages to talk me into allowing him to take me back to my car because Eli is taking Carlos home who has had WAY too much to drink. But first, we are going to Richard's house to play XBox for a while. After several rounds of Halo and killing each other and talking an amazing amount of crap... Finally it's 1:30 am and I'm getting tired. Aaron drove me back to my car and asked me for my number. He mentioned he wanted to go on the pub crawl tonight... It was arranged as a bachelor send-off for our big boss but I don't like him (the boss) so I am debating whether to go. I suppose it's really not about the boss for me... it's about me and showing my face at works functions and seeing if I like Aaron enough to pursue this further. I don't know him well enough to decide yet. He's not beautiful like Chuck (the walrus) and he's got a strange laugh. But he's funny and pays attention to me. It might be worthy of the experience if nothing else. Amazing what qualities you find people bring out in you even when you only spend a day with them. Funny, I just remembered, he asked me if I wanted to be his gym partner for weight-lifting. I've been wanting to go, so I probably will use this as the perfect opportunity to keep motivated.

Well, first things first... we'll see if he calls. I'm assuming this is a done deal, but it's not until he calls me.

2003-06-11T14:23:00.000-04:00

Now playing: Losing Hope by Jack Johnson
Losing hope is easy
When your only friend is gone
And every time you look around
Well it all, it all, just seems to change
Hanging on is easy
When you've got a friend to call
When nothing's making sense at all
You're not the only one who's afraid of change

So, aside from my dreams about walruses in the fog... I'm doing okay. Better than okay actually. I'm thriving. I've been invited out by a guy at work to join the quiz night team. The really HOT HOT guy at work that all the girls just love... well he gave me the biggest smile the other day. Like he was really happy to see me. Then my friend Deb tells me, "You know, he really seems to enjoy your company!" Well if that's not an ego booster I don't know what is... seriously this guy is YUMMY. We've all had a bit of a crush on him for the last year. Not overly tall, dark brown hair, big intense blue eyes... yeah baby. And soooo nice. And very smart. Anyway, I keep wanting to tell him he's the walrus, just to see what he'd say. Not that I'd explain what a walrus meant. Might be fun to watch him squirm. Nah I can't be evil.

Strange things keep happening too... I think demons have possessed my pigeons that live outside my window. I swear the pigeons have gotten more and more fervent about getting into my house. One of them flew in the other day... I almost asked him if he wanted some dinner. But then I remembered, you're not supposed to feed them or they stick around. Like they'll leave if I refuse them chicken fingers... that actually seems cannabalistic doesn't it? Ew.

My job is so busy that I have to MAKE time for lunch even. I've been lunching with a pretty young crowd. They're quite entertaining. One guy is 22. He's quite a hoot. He made a comment the other day about how he can't really talk to women. After I checked to make sure I was in fact a woman, I asked him why he could talk to me then. I mean, seriously, am I chopped liver? He replied that it wasn't the same cos I wasn't really a woman. Now... I'm well aware he just meant that he is very comfortable talking to me, unlike when he hits on women and feels out the possibility if they'll have sex with him. But why do men make comments like this? Although it did bring me to the conclusion why I never have a real date... I'm cursed. The men in my life will always think of me as their very cool friend but never will they think of me as sexy. Or dateable. Or even more than just a work buddy or possibly drinking buddy. I'm doomed. Hahaha!

2003-06-03T15:20:00.000-04:00

Alright already! I admit it... I like Justin Timberlake's music a little bit. I did my best to resist... but resistance is apparently futile. I've been assimilated into the bubbleheads... tee hee!

I had a long chat with a friend of mine today. I find it interesting that he expressed that I'm one of the only people at work he can talk to. Like as in trust or feel we have something in common. This is a common sentiment I often hear. I'm so blessed by that. I'm honored that there are so many people I have in my life whether it's at work or just generally in my life, people who feel connected to me. People who value me. People who I feel very connected to. I told L that he probably felt that way since we'd known each other from way back. It was almost like we knew our mutual history and felt good about where we were now in relation to where we were when we met. We both think we're so much better now and we reaffirm that when we talk.

I was contemplating that whole thing and remembered that I haven't been doing my thankfuls lately. I've forgotten some of the things that are vital to making me who I am.

I chatted with my auntie earlier and she reminded me too about being myself. Life is so short! I can't possibly try to be something I'm not. Even if it's painful to be who I am, even if I seem to get nowhere... it's better this way. Then at least I can sleep at night in peace. I won't apologize for it. That would be like apologizing for who I am and I refuse to do that.

My friend also told me a little story about when he met his wife... she was 35 when they met. He was 27. She told him on their first date, "I'm 35 and you're considerably younger... if you're looking for someone to just have a night of hot sweaty times with then move on. Let's not waste each other's time." He did. He dated some other girl for a while... decided that hot sweat was good but not as good as that honest woman he could actually talk to. He chased her down and wooed her until she caved. They're married now with a second baby on the way... he done good! And the wife is truly a gem. I really like her. One of the nicest people on the planet. If he hadn't married her I would have killed him myself. So I suppose there really is hope. There really are people I can relate to and there are really people out there who think I'm just fab. I, of course know this but it's nice when others think it too!

2003-06-02T15:44:00.000-04:00

It is completely clear. Like a window was opened and light came pouring into my heart. I love it here, but I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in this job, in this place. Someone asked me today when the last time was when I was happy at work. I couldn't remember when I felt really good about my work. There has always been something wrong with it. I guess the closest might have been when I first started out and I didn't know that my work was inconsequential. I didn't realize that I wasn't making a difference. But when I thought I was important, that I was a true asset, that's when I felt satisfied. It's never really been about being happy at work. I'm generally happy all the time when I'm not being kicked around. It's more about feeling satisifed, feeling needed. I realize that I'll probably never have that at work. If I wasn't doing my job, someone else would do it. Maybe not as well, but they'd do it. I think what's changed is me. I felt needed at home. I felt like I made a difference by being there. I wanted to pursue a dream... a dream of a life enchanted with my English prince and my cottage in the woods... but realistically that's not who I am. I found that out when I was home. I found that my family means more to me than anything else in the world. Alec will not participate in this relationship. He's proven that he can't be bothered. He's proven that I mean so little to him that he can't even spend 10 minutes on the phone explaining to me. So, no worries about me. At this point, I'm pissed off. Pissed off at him, pissed off at me. I must be looking for the wrong sort of person. So I'm not looking any more. I'm just going to have fun and do what I want to do. In the meantime I've posted my resume on monster... been shopping for real estate.... trying to budget to have enough money to finish up my travel around the UK and also go home with a bit of cash to start up with. It means staying in my apartment that makes me crazy. But it's a small price to pay for the look I saw in my stepmom's eyes when she thought there might be a chance she wasn't going to be facing all these crises alone anymore. I never saw her cry like I saw her cry that one day... she's so petrified of my father dying and being alone and having to make all those decisions by herself. She's so petrified that she'll end up having to care for him by herself... I can't allow it. He's my father. He's given me everything I've ever had. She's been good for us, but she's not good for us this way. Part of growing up I guess. Realizing that my ageing parents need a bit of propping up. Most people don't run away from home when they're 21 like I did. I ran so far and so fast I didn't know what I was running from. I guess I needed to come here to England to experience all the things I love about Europe. I needed to miss the US. And it's not that I miss the Us really. It's more that I can tolerate Colorado. I still have no friends, still can't relate to anyone. Still will never really feel comfortable with average people. I have little in common with anyone really. Even my parents but at least I'll feel better knowing that I'm available. At least I'll know that I can be there instead of trying to understand and be there from half a world away. Yes, DB. I'm sort of slow but I get it.

2003-06-01T03:38:00.000-04:00

Phew!!! After a marathon 20-something hours of travel I'm finally home. Fell asleep watching TV last night... on my own couch in my own house. A very refreshing feeling.

And I'm such a coward. Still haven't had the cajones to ring A. I did a great deal of thinking whilst at my parents' house. My first choice is to continue with my original plan... or rather OUR original plan of moving in together, eventually getting married, loving each other and building a life and home together... My second choice is to get a job elsewhere, like Colorado, buy a house and just live my life by myself. My parents need me. They don't want to admit it but they're both overwhelmed with all the changes that ageing and health issues have caused. I at least want to regain control over my life. Locked into an inescapable contract is not exactly for me anymore. I am beginning to detest/loathe/hate that decision. I don't regret it, as it was the right thing to do at the time... but it's amazing how much your life changes.

2003-05-15T15:58:00.000-04:00

The pieces of my broken heart could fit through the eye of a needle.

I called my mother last night. It was her belated Mother's Day phone call. We celebrated Mother's Day and Mothering Day this year. Anyway, she was comforting and sympathetic. Exactly what I needed her to be. She was supportive and encouraged me to breathe. She advised me to not think of him. She reminded me that ANYthing can happen in a day. Therefore in 16 days without contact ... okay an additional 16 days without contacting him, a lot can change. Now, I broke down and wrote two sentences in an email telling him I hoped he and his son were doing better having spent some time together... he hasn't answered that. My phone keeps ringing though. No one is there when I answer often... this has happened several times in the past couple of days. Either it's him or some other coward.

2003-05-13T14:47:00.000-04:00

God I miss him. I had a good day at work... the best in quite a while... it took every bit of willpower not to ring him and share it. I had to remind myself several times today to not call him. Either he's taken me at my word that I would be unavailable, or he's relieved to be rid of me. And that is hard to swallow... like trying to swallow a cat, whole and awake. I wish I could be more understanding... I wish I could just turn this off.

There is this big empty place where my friend used to be.

2003-05-12T13:39:00.000-04:00

Something that had not occurred to me.... A is very much a dad. He was thrust into the role but takes it very seriously. A friend of mine mentioned that men get very protective of their children and very scared when something might be happening with them. A's son has been troubled. He's been diagnosed with something akin to depression.

My friend told me his son had sort of been going through something quite similar and had only recently opened up to him. The boy said that he was afraid his dad wasn't really there for him anymore... that everything around them took priority over him. Not saying this is what's the matter with A's son because honestly that's not been the case. A has sacrificed a great many things for the boy... but of course it occurs to me that A's boy is quite emotional. He wouldn't know that his dad was giving anything up. He wouldn't know... nor would he really care... he's a child. Unable to reconcile his intellect and emotions like an adult. Hell I have trouble and I'm an adult.

I suppose my imagination runs wild... I imagine that he went back to his ex and I imagine that he found someone better... but of course I don't know anything. Because he won't tell me... I guess in some ways I resent being resented or whatever since A's son absolutely adores his mother's boyfriend/fiance. They're like the best of friends. I have been slow in getting to know the kid... I suppose because I rarely see him and he's a boy... it's tough for me to figure out how to talk to him about much anything other than the most surface things... I don't know anything about how to talk to kids. I just talk to them as if they're smaller adults. I do my best to not be patronizing or treat them like they're stupid. So, all in all, I thought I was on the right track. But maybe A is too scared to deal with me... he knows I'm scared. He can't assure me and assuage his own fears at the same time? I'm not sure... His children are all he has. His parents have been dead for years and he doesn't associate with his sister. Maybe this blood tie with his children means more than I thought it did. I may have had a cavalier attitude towards his desire to be close with them... thinking he could do it an hour away from them... maybe he's re-thinking that. GAWD!!! I should NOT be guessing. I wish I could talk to him. He's my best friend... he's the only one with answers... he's the only one I want to talk to really... and he ain't talkin!!! How maddening!!!

2003-05-10T18:54:00.000-04:00

Well now I'm trying to figure out what traits I'm looking for in a guy that are destructive or not ones I should focus on. I tought I was focussing on kindness, sense of humor, consideration, employment (yes or no) and generally common interests... Seems inocuous. Right? Not a lot to ask. Right?

I refuse to believe that I don't deserve or am incapable of finding that sort of relationship my parents have: the best of friends and such a closeness that even I feel left out. I refuse to settle for less. A and I had potential there.

B tells me that it's possible A was just so overwhelmed with whatever was happening with his son that he couldn't really grasp what effect it would have on me. I suppose that's a reasonable estimation. We'll see I guess. I've been watching too much FilmFour Summer of Love and have been torturing myself with too much crap like Jerry MacGuire, My Best Friend's Wedding, and Moonstruck. Disgusting.

B and I were kidding that maybe I have a weird retro-grade or whatever it's called sort of genetic thing going on in my pheremones... maybe I turn perfectly normal men into schizoid freaks.... this is funny.... but realistically... I don't want an Ethan Hawke or George Clooney type... just a normal non-hideous guy who cares about me and makes me laugh... someone to be my friend and to share my time with. Maybe that's the problem... my expectations are so low that I'm not giving them the possibility that it's unthinkable to do what he's done... that I'll be gone so fast his head will spin. Maybe I'm too patient. Too loving. But I refuse refuse refuse to be anything other than myself. I know I'm naturally a sweet person. I don't fake myself... I never lie about things and I don't play games. If you ask me a question you'd better really want to know the answer. I suppose that's scary or maybe not scary enough.

2003-05-10T04:15:00.000-04:00

So why are men all the same? No wait, that's not fair. Why are the men that I seem to attract seemingly one person, then suddenly another? The only man in my checkered love life who was unchangeable and not schizoid was Glenn. My first husband was solid, predictable, never growing never changing... and he loved me. I loved him. But I couldn't live with him. I couldn't spend my life in a relationship that would never grow. Yet he would never portray himself to be something he's not. With my much beloved, he seemed like a normal person. He appeared to be and acted like he was sane. He paid attention to me and was so considerate that I sometimes questioned his motives. I always quashed those thoughts, though. I always told myself that I shouldn't see ulterior motives everywhere I look... this would be a terrible way to live. Yet, suddenly he is another person. I realize that his need to take a step back probably has very little to do with me. I realize that he's concerned for the well-being of his son, who has been troubled for the last year. I am mature enough to understand that it's quite probable that the boy probably doesn't like me very much. This probably makes A. quite wary of committing himself to someone that his children dislike or aren't comfortable with. I'm emotionally healthy enough to not take that too personally. I am NOT upset that he needed some space. I am upset that he couldn't be bothered to talk to me about it. He might think he's protecting me, but if you ask me I'm sure that's not it. I'm going to hurt about this for quite a while. And yes I honestly hope that there is a chance he'll change his mind and ask for me to forgive him. I suppose that every girl has those hopes... but it's probably too much gawd-damned Hollywood. Too much Sandra Bullock always getting her guy. Too much Bridget Jones.... A actually even looks like Mark Darcy (Colin Firth). So I guess I'm struggling now with the reality that he is really just an asshole. That I was sucked into it once again. That I trusted myself once again.... that I allowed myself to trust someone.... and that I didn't see this coming. That's what pisses me off more than all the rest of it. The fact that I have to struggle with reality once again and yet not allow myself to become embittered and horrible. That's the hardest part. So why oh why are they always the same? How the hell am I supposed to figure out who they really are? Questions questions... I've been unable to stop the screaming questions in my head.

2003-05-09T17:51:00.000-04:00

Okay I'm good. I've managed to numb myself with a glass of muscadet (quite yummy I'm noting) and I'm now in the Jagged Little Pill stage. Although I've been in the Fumbling Towards Ecstasy stage for a while now... but it's good. I'm healing. I'm crying and making it through. I'm figuring out what the f#$% to tell my friends. Not that I care what they think but I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, nor do I want them telling me, "told ya!" Nor do I want the discussion of the moral flexibility of the British men we're surrounded by. I really hope my much beloved works out whatever the hell is plaguing him. I truly hope that he decides he's completely lost his mind and that I'm the only one for him. I just don't know that I have reached the "second chance" stage in my heart yet. If I do it will be second and only chance. I'm not one of these women to just let a man walk all over her just because she loves him. I am very demanding. You treat me as if you actually respect and love me or I'm outta here. It's easy to fall in love... just hard to recover from a broken heart. And every time you do, that scar tissue gets a bit thicker. It gets harder and harder to trust.

I've decided a very insightful song at the moment is "All I Really Want" by Allannis. So yeah obviously I'm okay. I was crying my eyes out earlier and now I'm listening to pissed off chick rock. Yeah I'll be more fine than fine.

2003-05-09T12:32:00.000-04:00

Well I guess i finally did it. I successfully killed the only relationship I ever had where I was secure. I must have over-analyzed, pushed and demanded way too much. And I thought I would be the one to freak out. We were going to get married for crying out loud. I was more in love with him than I realized. Now I guess it's time to write my way through the pain of finding out that I don't matter to him. We met at Christmas time. The last time I wrote in my blog I knew I was in love... but I didn't want to over analyze. I didn't want to do it an injustice by killing it with my words. So I talked to him about my feelings, talked to my friends... I didn't really write it. I was afraid that by writing I would pick it off the bones and suck the marrow out of it... thereby killing it. But I managed to do that anyway. Every day for the past few months, he's called and written, been very very attentive... then suddenly yesterday, he never responded to any email. He didn't answer calls nor texts. I couldn't sleep. I spent the entire day calling, frantic that he was ill or otherwise in a state where he needed my help. Never did I want to believe that he just was ignoring me. Pointedly. However, that's exactly what he was doing. He sent me email at my home account that I cannot check at work and in 2 sentences let me know that he didn't respect nor love me. Less than 50 words is all it takes to destroy. I never believed that I'd be embroiled in all this drama. I was cavalier about things... I tried to be nonchalant and not exert any pressure. He was the one who pursued... I allowed myself to be captured. I allowed myself to trust again. I fell in love. Now I wonder if I'm more angry at him or at myself for trusting myself to let my guard down enough for him to come closer. I hadn't felt that sort of heartache in quite some years. I guess I should be grateful that I'm capable of it but I'm not. It hurts too much right now for me to feel very grateful. It hurts way too much for me to not be self-involved. Well, more self-involved than usual. He asked for some space. Well I'm incommunicado anyway for other reasons. He only wanted a weekend. I'm giving him until June. I'm even going back to the US for a while conveniently. How much more space do you flipping need?

2003-01-08T07:03:00.000-05:00

I've been horribly ill for the past several days. I came down with what I thought was a cold on Boxing Day. It has lingered for about a week and a half. It's really quite annoying. I'm home from work today. And tomorrow. And most likely Friday. It's started snowing. I can't even enjoy that. Well that's okay. I just want to get well. I absolutely hate being so sick. It's not as if I can do anything productive while I'm sick.

I can barely pay attention to movies while I'm sick. I did manage to write another Flower Power Movie Review last week.

I'm struggling with my writing projects... hell I'm struggling with everything right now. I think I'll crawl back into my sofa nest and take a nap.

2003-01-03T02:46:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about my definition of friendships. About the way I've been feeling. I think part of my negativity sprung from being alone during the holidays. The other part of it sprung from the question of my own expectations of the season. It's unrealistic to think that it will just be blissful and not even remotely stressful. I didn't think that was the way I felt. But maybe I did. Right after Christmas, I came down with a horrendous flu or something hideously resembling flu. Topping it off, my boiler went out, so I had no heat. I think what irritated me about myself was that just when I think I've got all my emotional baggage sorted, repacked into a smaller overnight bag and maybe one small carry-on item... then something comes along and my bag just sort of explodes. And as happens with strong independent women... we occasionally can't let go right away. This is part of what I was experiencing. Coming down with the flu really put things into perspective for me. I had a bit of time to think and reflect. I've decided to just ignore it. My friends can think what they like. But it's my life. I have to live it. If they've got issues with me or they need to talk to me about something, then go ahead... but in the meantime, I'm just going to continue to be who I am, be happy, work my ass off to adapt to all the change that seems to come at me, and live fully.

2002-12-24T11:11:00.000-05:00

Well the last post revealed something about me that I guess I wasn't really ready to confront. I am really struggling with the image of trusty sidekick. I thought the whole last several years that I was an independent person and that I was just being a good friend. But now when I'm beginning to realize these things I'm struggling with the definition of my friendships. I have always been the one who will drop it all and run off to get my friend or help them when they needed me. Yet the pay off isn't there for me anymore. I'm sick of being treated as though I'm lucky to have an invitation to dinner because I'm the pathetic little loser with no life or that I'm just the poor relation that should feel grateful to be in my friend's grand house with their grand things.... How to assert myself in this new role is a struggle for me. I don't wish to hurt anyone the way I've been hurt. Yet I know I need to do something to break out of this mold. It may be something as simple as saying "no" on occasion. Or it may need a confrontation. I hope it doesn't take that... I'm not all that confrontational in friendships. Because they're not about power. They're about love and compassion. I was very hurt. Still am. I'm actually dwelling on it. This happened a week ago. Yet here I sit stewing. I'm a bit confused as to why I'm acting so out of character. I don't know why this has angered me so. I suppose I'm just very angry with myself. Angry for allowing myself to become everyone's faithful lackey servant girl. Angry for always putting off my own needs or desires for the good of my friendship when that's CRAZY.... MAD I tell you... just utterly insane.

2002-12-21T16:15:00.000-05:00

Today is stupid quiz day: so here we go.

Take the What Type of Friend are You? quiz, and visit mutedfaith.com. [Me.] How good a friend are you?

2002-12-08T18:00:00.000-05:00

today's selection: Aimee Mann's "Lost in Space" --- thanks to Phil for recommending it

So, a few interesting things are happening in life... My social life is certainly hopping, that's for sure! I sort of like it but it really takes quite a bit of emotional energy to be charming and delightful in any social situation. I used to like it... but I think I've gotten cranky in my old age. I'd rather be selective about the company I keep. At these "Networking Opportunities" this isn't the case. I often have to share time with people I don't like. And there are quite a few people who hold positions of authority in my company that I really dislike. I can't even look deep inside myself and find a modicum of respect for them. They achieve "human rights" status on my meter but that's as high as it goes. They talk. I listen. But honestly I listen, not to be polite, but to just confirm they really are morons. Does that sound like I'm insanely haughty? Well, maybe I am. I'm at one with my snobbery. I guess I have little tolerance for the stupidity of others... why? Because they don't have to act that way. Most of them are actually intelligent. Yet they have this moronic behaviour that is difficult to see past.

Oh and I'm still working on my new site... I've got it mostly planned in my head. I've put a good bit of it on paper and worked it around... but now comes the tough part: actually programming it. BAh! I'm just not good at it. Or actually I used to be but I haven't done it in so long I'm not sure how I even get going now. I'm just venting.

2002-12-03T14:36:00.000-05:00

Something happened the other day that I've been contemplating... it's really taken me in a completely new direction... here are a few thoughts I'm sharing.

At work, talking to a woman in some position of authority... of course in my usual completely irreverent tone, I referred to my friend by saying, "The tall chick with the glasses." This was not received with a laugh of surprise as it usually is. She actually said to me, "We are NOT chicks. We are WOMEN." I smiled and said, yes I understand. Then I explained to her, apparently offended self, that if we take offense at the word it gives it power. It gives another power over me to use it and offend me. I choose not to be offended. I choose to take back the power others have held over me because the feminist movement has told them and us that we should be offended at this.

A word cannot hurt. Intrinsically it holds no power. Only the power I lend it. A label, a thought, a preconceived notion... none of these can hurt me unless I allow it. And I don't allow it.

We all struggle against things. I've just chosen to accept that there will be a great many things in life that will be. And I have no power to change them. Struggles... We, as women, are struggling against what? I have enough of my own inner struggles. Moral and ethical issues. Religious and philosophical... struggles of self-acceptance and self-love. I am choosing which battles I will wage. I have control over myself... but I do not have the energy nor the ambition to change the world. I can only change my own view of the world... my own mind...

If someone hurts my feelings it's because they didn't meet my expectations. Pretty self-centered of me to hold someone else accountable to my own standards.

Let go.

Love them.

Let them love you.

However they choose to do it.

And if their actions cease to be loving, then let go of them... love yourself enough to let go of your friendship, whatever is between you.

2002-11-10T04:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a relatively dry day. First dry day we'd had in a week. Jolly ole England :) So I went out to run errands -- go to Boots the Chemist to acquire bergamot oil for my atomiser thingie I bought in Cornwall and go to top up my mobile phone and go to the market to get cream and milk. While I was out I saw my neighbor, Joe. Joe is a very cool guy. He usually works shifts so I was surprised to see him. We walked and chatted for a while. I suggested we go to Cambridge, hang out, get a coffee, go to the bookstore and grab some dinner at the Chinese restaurant I like. He was thrilled! For some reason Joe thinks I'm about the nicest person in the universe. I don't really understand this. I'm just being normal, generousity is in my nature. But it's as if he expects me to act aloof and uncaring.

I've spent time with Joe before and I find him surprisingly mature. He's only 22, yet he's done a great deal of reading and thinking. We discuss the world and things around us. For some reason Joe thinks I should be a counsellor.

Today it's raining out so I'm staying in. I'm going to work on the afghan throw I'm making for my parents. I started it a year ago. Seems like time to finish it. I've been doing lots of Christmas shopping. I'm determined to be prepared this year. Last year was special since I was dealing with my family. But I really want to feel like it's Christmas this year.

Thanksgiving is going to be a real treat this year. I'm really looking forward to spending the holidays with my friends. Integrating British friends in too.

2002-11-03T05:51:00.000-05:00

Another series of questions designed to get you thinking about who you are and how you got to be there.

++Do you have any brothers or sisters? What was your childhood like as a young girl and what things did you enjoy doing most with your friends?

--I am an only child. My childhood started out very solitary, but I didn't know any different, I was happy. My mother believes that the reason I'm so smart is because from the time I was born I was treated like a small adult. (I think she's biased about the smart part!) I was very good at holding conversations with older people and I never really fit in with people my age anyway. I was born in the deep south in the US and we moved to North Carolina (Fort Bragg) when I was a baby. My father was finishing college and ROTC, then he went on to join the Army. After he came back from serving in Vietnam, we moved to Germany. I was 4, I think. I remember that whole time quite vividly. I really liked school. My very first best friend was a girl named Linda Ng. She was half Chinese I think. We were pretty much inseperable. Another girl named Leilani was the first person to ever have a color TV that I knew. We moved back to the US to Arizona. I remember growing up in the sunshine, running around outside with my friends, being frightened of scorpions, the occasional rattlesnake and coyotes. I remember thinking that all my friends were like me and I remember the day when they made fun of me for being so completely different that it broke my heart. My childhood was filled with days of feeling so carefree that I never wanted to grow up... but then it would be broken by something like realizing how awful children can be and wishing that I was grown up so I could just walk away. Gosh, re-reading that it sounds quite pathetic, but it's honest... it was split between joy and pain. As most of life is balanced between them, mine started out like that. :) And as C.S. Lewis was once quoted, "The pain now is part of the happiness later. That's the deal." I've lived my life knowing that. Now, when I was 4 ballet made me feel the happiest... by the time I was 7 I loved it, but I didn't want to progress... I wasn't really ready for that. When I was 7 I learned to ride a two-wheeler bike and that was my new passion. By the time I was 9 I was reading so much that I often forgot to eat. I still read that much sometimes... as you can see I go in stages of intense concentration and focus, but then my attention wanes... Right now my big thing is knitting. Next year it'll be photography again or cross-stitch.

++What was school/college like for you? Did you enjoy it? Do you still keep in touch with your old school friends?

--School for me was bittersweet... I loved learning, I had a few very good friends, but when I left it was sort of an escape for me. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I never felt like I fit in and I was always a target of opportunity for bullies and gossipy queens. I suppose that comes from being different. I tried to get in touch with some of my old friends, but I found we just really have such different lives. When I tell them about my life, many of them tell me how sorry they are that I've had such tragedy and that I don't have children. I try to gently tell them that my life is not the Shakespeare tragedy... that I'm happy and that I'm perfectly ok with not having children. I find their responses patronizing, "Oh sure, that's how you feel, okay..." I lose my patience quickly so I just don't respond. Let them think what they like. I don't care. I love my life. I don't have to justify or apologize to anyone for the choices I've made. Especially not them!

++What was your favorite subject at school/college? Also which subject did you dislike the most and why?

--When I was in high school my favorite subjects were science and photography, but I loved English and psychology too. My favorite class I ever took was a class called "Word Study". It's the reason I chose linguistics as my field. I was fascinated by the etymology of English... and I find the etymology of other languages just as fascinating. I love how linguistics influences so many other fields... and the big question of it all... without language would we have come as far in thought? Does thought shape language? Or does language shape thought? Sorry, I know, a bit deep, but it's my favorite question. :)

--I hated math. I still hate math. I'm terrible at it. Never was able to figure out how to perform even the most basic of formulas or algebraic equations. Living the life of the mathematically challenged is occassionally frought with shame, yet I am only somewhat empowered to change that. It's such a struggle that it's easier to just say, "I'm too stupid to do that problem. Don't we have a computer program for that?"

++Were you any good at sports at school? If so,what activities were you best at and which did you dislike doing?

--I used to really like sports. I played field hockey, soccer (football) ;), volleyball, track. Despite the fact I was a ballerina as a small girl, I was not all that coordinated so I never really could get the hang of gymnastics. The problem was that I took things to heart. When I was very little and the children would make fun of me for speaking German, I promptly forgot German to be able to fit in. When the track coach told me I wasn't a very good runner and ignored my tries at improving... all because I was white, I took that to heart as well and gave up running. I was a really impressionable girl. I looked up to certain people and admired them. When they would disappoint me or become disappointed in me, this affected me deeply. I'm a highly sensitive person. I've learned to deal with that part of myself and have learned to appreciate and value my own opinion over all others, but at that time it was a very difficult thing to overcome. As a result (gee I ramble a lot don't I?) I only really like volleyball now. I haven't played football in years. I used to like tennis a great deal, but after I had surgery on my wrist a few years ago I don't really play any more. I used to like kick-boxing but haven't done it in quite some time.

Sort of a mental meanderer aren't I? :)

2002-11-02T13:28:00.000-05:00

Here's an interesting NaNoWriMo beginning. The Woman In My Kitchen

2002-11-02T05:05:00.000-05:00

Self-exploration Exercise

A while ago someone asked me to write a dossier of sorts... a bit of a self-description I suppose. I had some fun with it. Thought I'd share. I wonder if other people do this or if I'm just weird?

++Speaks 7 languages--but only 4 are legitimate

++Loves practical jokes yet rarely plays them on anyone for fear of retribution

++Has a twisted sense of humor

++Is often taken for a blathering idiot

++Describes fun and excitement thusly:
Fun is any activity and excitement is what you lend it with personality and attitude.... for examples:
Fun is going somewhere new and excitement is getting lost on the way
Fun is the cinema and excitement is getting caught throwing Skittles and popcorn at the teenagers in front of you
fun is a day out with someone I care about and excitement is ... well never mind... that bit is censored!

++Has a low entertainment threshold

++Is completely amused by drunken antics yet rarely will put on such performances herself

++Adores British humour like Monty Python, Black Adder, Father Ted

++People generally like her but don't understand her... yet her company is sought out despite the fact she makes many uncomfortable with her honesty and genuine happiness

++Has a bad habit of wallowing at times

++Secretly likes kung-fu movies and bodice-ripper romance novels... other guilty pleasures include trashy talk shows, stationery and office supplies, German food, good wine and leather

++Patient and tolerant nearly to a fault

++Understanding but only a pushover for puppies, babies and kittens... and occasionally for her lover... maybe

++Loves roller coasters... becomes a 9-year-old kid at any amusement park

++Faithful but flirty... does not tolerate jealousy well and is rarely jealous herself...

In this exploration I also wrote a bit about what I think about money. Again, I'm sharing...

The finer things in life such as expensive cars, designer clothing, fine jewelry are all lovely and appreciated to an extent, but time spent together, a true understanding and caring for one another, that is what relationships are about. That's what is important. Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but they're coldly blinding in comparison to the warm glowing light of love and family. Yet it's important to remember that one should never be cheap. Complaining about funds or costs is as unattractive as flaunting wealth. Generousity of personality and friendship, caring and sharing, these are the things that go a long way toward proving one's true self. Finding a balance with money and happiness is more valuable than being independently wealthy.

2002-11-01T17:54:00.000-05:00

I barely have time to lounge around and contemplate my navel anymore. But I suppose this is good. I wish I had time for school. But I don't. I wish I could regain my focus on my studies. But I can't seem to find it. Once again, I'm not living deliberately. Bah! I have to work harder at it.

I was trying to finish my photo album for my family but the server kept crapping out on me. Then I tried working on my novel for the NaNoWriMo.

I rarely see R. We aren't exclusive, though I do enjoy his company, but I still see other people. I'm often running about with friends. I don't often have time for him anyway. Nor he for me.

Well, I'm off to finish my shopping... Peace Love and more words!

2002-10-15T16:06:00.000-04:00

I meant for this to be a chronicle of my life and my travels in my new country. I meant for this to be an emotional exploration of newfound friendships and relationships. What I always end up writing about is justification for why I continue my relationship with R. I'm not in the business of apologizing for my life. I feel guilty and I acknowledge that many people believe me stupid. I know you mean well but it's not your life. Thanks for your concern but that's the last I'll comment on it. Nuff said.

Work has been quite hectic after our brief holiday in Cornwall. I'm still waiting for the photos to come back, but save for the photos at this point it seems a dim memory. I feel like the older I get the faster time goes. It's as if in my twenties it was just gaining momentum. Now that I'm in my thirties approaching my forties, it's in turbo. Every time I turn around another week has passed. I still haven't accomplished the things I wanted to do last month. I wish we could bank time for things... time wasted in meetings... time spent in a line/queue... hurry up and wait an interminable amount of time...

Maybe tomorrow will be a bit less wet and a bit more cheerful.

2002-09-08T05:38:00.000-04:00

Music playing in the background: Lena Horne singing “Stormy Weather” from the “Divas in their Day” CD I bought yesterday. I’m in a Jazz mood. Can’t get enough.

So let’s see.... it seems like my life has completely changed since i last blogged. One moment I was doing all these things by myself and now I have all this male attention that I wasn’t bargaining for. Don’t get me wrong. I love it. Or I wouldn’t take the calls or I’d make excuses about how I had to do something else.

Let’s back up a bit. A few weeks ago I met Rob. I thought he was a typical Englishman and that I would probably scare the crap out of him with my American-ness and my direct manner. This was not the case. We would talk on the phone for hours. Several times a day. We’d arrange to talk early mornings while he was driving to work and I was usually having my coffee. And we’d talk about everything. Life, love, the past, the present, religion, philosophy, geography, you name it.... we arranged to spend a bit more time together. We met in Cambridge. I had the day off and he took the day off (which is quite a feat for him).

We were having lunch in this Chinese restaurant... when he told me that he’s still legally married. The real bombshell came when he told me that he’s not only still legally married but for six years they’ve been trying to divide their property. There’s a considerable amount of money at stake as well.

So we talked about it and talked and talked some more. It was refreshing to not be judged, to be thought of as interesting, to be interested. As with any relationship there are complications. His complications are really quite complicated.

There are many days when I don’t know if I can stand it one more moment. But then I see him and I feel that it’ll all be okay and work itself out. I wonder if this makes me crazy or just weak sometimes.

The problem as I see it is that he still has to deal with the wife. She still lives in the house as well. She has her life completely independent of him. And he is rarely home anyway, but does spend most weekends there. I’ve always said that long distance relationships never work because it’s not possible to be a part of each other’s lives on a daily basis anyway, but then it can be overcome if you’re adult about it and try to work it out. Then I’ve always maintained that one should end one relationship before beginning another. I don’t know if I’m just telling myself this or if this is really how it works but I think his relationship has been dead for a long long time. There’s just a great deal of resentment surrounding it so it’s been dragged out for the last several years. Just to see how much they can hurt one another. Sort of like two bulldogs fighting over a bone. They each have a hold of an end and are trying to get a better grip as to wrest it from the other. Frankly I can’t blame Rob for not wanting to give up. I get the impression she just wants him to walk away. Why should he? It’s his house too. He deserves a share of it. But as a woman, and a stubborn one at that, I do know how vindictive we can be. And I do understand how resentment can be drawn out this long. And at this point, I'm betting that she's looking at it as she deserves it for no other reason than pain and suffering tax. I can understand this.

My conscience is bothered too. And I hate the fact that I can’t really tell any of my friends about this problem. That I can’t share that burden with them. It’s my choice to be with Rob on a regular basis. It’s my choice to shoulder this issue. My friends like H and B and D would try to harrangue me and talk me out of this relationship. Yet as I see it, I cannot divorce myself from my feelings. It’s been a long long time since I have felt this way about anyone (15 years). Maybe it won’t last, but while I’m having these emotions, I really need to persue this. If for no other reason than the experience and how it will shape who I am.

There was one time when we were on the phone and he was at home. Suddenly I hear a woman’s voice in the background and it sounded like she was talking to the dog. You know how it is when you talk to a dog, your voice becomes almost like you're talking to a baby. Rob seemed to retreat a million miles away in that second. I got very upset. It was as if in that moment I remembered what it was like to be the other woman. I remembered how much I hated myself and how horrible it was to wake up each day and love someone you could never have. What it was like to feel as if I could never be a part of his life. I suppose the difference is that I’ve met a couple of his friends and there are plans for me to meet some more of his friends. There are plans for him to meet some of my friends even. A first, really. Oh no, maybe a second, that’s right. I forgot about that other guy :) So, it's already different than that.

Admittedly, I am quite smitten. I love that he’s generous, that he always treats me like a lady, yet when we’re alone he treats me like his lover, and he’s always so considerate of me. He always makes an effort. The fact that he spends money on me is nice but it’s less about the money and more about his generousity. I had been so sick of spending time with men who obsessed about the price of things. I had been irritated by their assumption that because I’m independent that it meant I would always pay. Money is not that important to me, but if one doesn’t have it, it certainly isn’t all that pleasant. Usually that is easy to overcome. Well sometimes it is anyway.

I think in some ways I like that he’s 12 years my senior, that he’s old-fashioned in many ways and that he’s sort of “take charge” at times. It feeds my desire to be treated as a lady to be courted. I like that he keeps me out of the muck of his own situation, yet he’ll occasionally talk to me about it because he knows I’m curious (morbidly--like looking at a train wreck) and he feels a need to share a bit of that part of himself. But the real ugliness is something he keeps me completely away from. I suppose this shows a good bit of how much he cares... or at least that’s how it comes across to me.

I’ve decided that no matter what the outcome of this whole situation, there's a positive part of it: I’m out there living my life, allowing myself to feel, doing things and going places... really living. Instead of just sitting in my house proclaiming that the price of independence was solitude. And working hard to convince myself that I preferred it over having company. Let’s face it, I like my own company, I enjoy my solitude occasionally, and I certainly like being independent. But I really did miss having a companion from time to time.

2002-08-22T13:18:00.000-04:00

Newmarket
Jamie called me this morning and invited me to lunch in Camdentown. I got myself together and was on the train 90 minutes later, screeching toward London. I got off at King's Cross. And there was Jamie. He's such a really nice person. But I think we both knew we'd just end up being really good friends.

I'm just so proud of myself that I was spontaneous and went. I really loved the Camden market. We shopped a bit, looked in all these really weird stores.... There was a really cool retro store that was like out of an Austin Powers movie. Very cool! I found a really neat dress in there for about 65 pounds. Maybe when I lose some more weight I'll have to get one. It was a really great retro mini-dress. Camdentown is just the coolest.

The thing with Jamie, although I think eventually I'd just fall madly in love with him because he's just such a cool person... he's still in recovery. He thinks he's healthy, but I wonder if he's not a bit fragile on the inside. I don't think I'm ready for that. I don't think anyone really is.... Besides, an addict in recovery and a former addict.... nope. Not really the thing to do. We're just a topple off the wagon waiting to happen.

Meeting Stephen (horse trainer) tonight and going to dinner... this is getting out of hand.

Meeting Rob tomorrow for lunch... he is so funny... he thinks I'm zany... he sends me 3 texts a day and then I get home to an email box full of messages about how I'm such a good friend... written in 6 different languages :) How can a girl not like that? How can anyone not like that sort of attention? Maybe some would think it's too much. From Trevor it would be too much. Trevor is another story... he and I went to dinner last night. It was really late. He kept trying to talk me into staying at his place overnight. He was so persistent I nearly considered inflicting bodily harm on him to get him to quit. I think that's Trevor's last hurrah. Sorry, Trev. Gotta learn when the lady says no she probably means it.

2002-08-21T10:44:00.000-04:00

Hyde Park, London
I took a long walk in Hyde park this morning. I watched joggers and people with their dogs, children and parents, bicycles, other walkers. It was a bit hazy that morning, but it was quite warm and there was still dew on the ground. Quite nice. I stopped at this little gallery (Serpentine Gallery). There was an exhibit by what seem to be a local artistic team, Gilbert and George. There were black and white photos of particularly gritty quality intermixed with red and black images. These were arranged around what were particularly offensive words. Hence the name of the exhibit "Dirty Words". Well let me just say that I'm sort of pissed off by modern art lately. They tend to imply that if I'm not smoldering with anger, then I'm somehow less important and cannot appreciate new and innovative thinking. That I somehow don't matter. Personally, I think this exhibit was designed to be controversial and incisive instead of just innovative. As if I'm not able to appreciate anything incisive. Anyway, the use of filthy language and red/black & white imagery was really sort of stupid. I'm sort of insulted and annoyed that all modern art seems to be angry as of late. Angry over whatever issue du jour. But it seems as if it's just trying to offend really. Not just provoke a reaction or get one thinking. Well, I've rambled on about it enough... I suppose it affected me more than I thought.

Victoria and Albert Museum
Garden Court Restaurant

Lovely goats cheese foccacia and sparkling water. I feel like I'm luxuriating. Brilliant textiles exhibit, the jewelry was wonderful, as well as the huge silver exhibit. I could have done without the weapons and there were a couple of other things I found less than interesting. But the glass, the sculpture, portraiture, etc all were really great!

19 August 02
I've decided that it's easier to fall in love with a man who has it all together than a man who can't call a woman he's been intimate with. Brutal? Maybe, but for me it's the truth. So, is it possible to live without raw and animal passions? But to be content with companionable and loving company? This is what I faced during my first marriage. There was never animal passion really. I loved him and we had wonderful time together. Good friends. I suppose the difference that I would have to look for would be that there would be a capacity to achieve greater intimacy. And things in common. I suppose the sexual part could be worked out. If everything else is good (part 1 and 2) are good, then 3 could be worked on. It's completely wrong to believe if you have good sex then you can work everything else out. So, is it useless to want the complete package? I never thought so, but honestly I think it doesn't exist. I think it's all a farce. I think it's completely a lie. It doesn't exist. How can it? No one is everything.

I went back to Kensington Gardens. I had to take my walk through the flower walk and also I wanted to go by the palace and see Princess Diana's dresses exhibit.

So I was sitting the in park adjacent to the the grounds of Kensington Palace. I watched joggers, walkers, bikers, business men, tourists. You can spot the Americans at 20 paces. I love watching the dogs. They are all running after each other, playing. There were affluent young woman taking their exercise. There were young couples with no body fat and glowing skin looking fresh and fashionable. There were swans that seemed to burst forth from the pond. So many of them. I blew off shopping in the morning to watch them. I went to Harrod's for lunch at the sushi bar. Then I whiled away some time browsing. I didn't get to see that much the first time I went on Saturday. I browsed in the fine jewelry and stationery. I shopped for vacation-wear -- swimsuits, linen shirts, cover-ups, linen capri pants. Of course the swimsuits were a minimum of 60 pounds. 149 pounds for a linen shift. 429 pounds for a knifepleat chiffon skirt. Someone at Harrod's is smoking crack! 600 pounds for a halter top is just a bit much. I don't care if it's made from silk combed on the thighs of virgins. And why pray tell are we shopping for vacation wear??? And Van Cleef and Arpel's engagement rings? Bah! What was I thinking?

Later on while sitting having tea at a restaurant, my mobile phone was stolen by a gypsy teenager. I was so angry!!!! After I calmed down, I realized it was my fault for leaving it within view. I filed a police report, but missed meeting my friend Jamie for coffee. And then 200 pounds later, my phone was replaced but I'm still waiting for them to fix my number. I'm over insured now.

Kensington Palace
The palace itself is just a huge old house really. There's some really beautiful art and the clothes are really lovely, but I was sick of the Italians and the Germans that kept stepping on me. I took my time in the Princess Diana exhibit. She wasn't as skinny as I thought. She actually was more like athletic. Unless the mannequins and dresses were completely flat and I just couldn't tell. But she was very tall and statuesque. She was so loved as well. I saw several different memorials for her. And they still talk about her in the media a lot.

2002-08-21T10:25:00.000-04:00

An entry from my personal journal... edited a bit...

Rob... the magic man...

Now Rob works for the highway administration. He's the one that intrigues me the most out of all of them.

Andrew will be a bit of passion if he's not completely hung up on himself as I think he may be. Trevor will be a good time, but I sense a broken heart there... I don't know that I can mend it or maybe I'm the one who'll give it to him. Stephen will be a great friend... Jamie, well he'll be a needy boy and I don't know that I can give him what he needs. But it'll be fun trying with all of them. Graham will either be way too short or just so completely not what I envision... Graham is a balloonist... very cool.

But Rob. He's not unattractive at all. He sort of has a boyish quality to him that is really indescribable. I don't think he really looks his age. He tells me that I make him feel young again. There are 13 years (roughly) between us. He works for the highway administration. Yes that's a bit staid and seemingly a bit bureaucratic. And while he seems so completely reserved, he swears he's not. I think he's usually quite conservative, but he's open to someone who isn't so. Then he's got an excuse to cut loose.

I wonder about him sometimes. I wonder what it would be like to spend a day in his life. What he'd think about spending a day in mine. I wonder what he'd think about the fact that I'm terrified of lightning, what he'd do if he knew I was sad, how he'd react to one of my more lucid flashes as if I was chanelling another more rational person, or what it would be like to sit in the quiet with him. There are only a handful of people I can have a companionable silence with. I wonder if he'd be on the list. It's important.

I'm the kite. I'm looking for the rock. The rock to anchor my string, to keep me from flying off into the ozone where I can't breathe and will eventually burn up. A rock who provides enough slack but knows when to reel it in. And one who encourages the flight, not because he benefits from being the rock, but because he loves the kite and thinks she needs to fly to be the best kite she can be. A rock that will occasionally get so caught up in her tangled string that he too flies for a bit. I'm probably asking quite a bit, but there's got to be someone out there who fits that somewhat.

I wonder what he would do if he had seen me completely come unglued at the lightning and thunder. Would he have laughed, thought me stupid? Or would he have just held me waiting for me to stop shaking? Would he have found it oddly amusing or completely endearing?

What'll he do when I have to go to Germany for a month? Will he phone? visit? Send cards? Not miss me at all? Is he what I think? I'm impatient to find out... and if he is what I think, then I've wasted no more time. or Will it be like that? Will I wonder why he doesn't appreciate me? Why I hate myself for loving him? No, that's not going to happen to me again. I can't love someone who doesn't act like they love me.

Somehow I don't think Rob is capable of treating a woman poorly, I think he just is a bit of a workaholic so the only thing he'd be guilty of is neglect, but not willfully so.

*-*-*-*

19 August 02

Well, as predicted, Andrew was a bit of passion. Very handsome, charming slight stutter, I could probably get lost in his embrace for a day or three.... but it would never last as far as I can tell. He really isn't all that patient. I don't think he found me charming at all (and we all know that I am charm personified! hahaha). I don't really think he liked me that much. I'm not even convinced he thought I was remotely pretty. Well maybe somewhat attractive, rather... but he's uncomfortable with me. As if I'm so open he's not sure what to do.... we'll see if he answers my email. (20th -- yes he answered and it was generically as I expected). Maybe I scare him. No, I rather think he's just not all that cool with someone who's as open as I am. He's quite pedantic regardless of what he claims were just a few instances of pedanticism.

God, are they all like that? Am I destined to never really be myself ever again? My life is an adventure... everything about my life is an adventure. If it's not going how I want it, I'm always going in a different direction. Is this really all that unique? Is this really all that daring? Am I really all that odd?

Maybe I'm so completely out there that I'll never be able to find someone who's comfortable with me?

I think it's important to convey to Andrew that I expect nothing from him. And I want nothing. If he wants to put forth an effort and communicate, etc, then that's wonderful, but I expect nothing. I only want him to do what he wants to do. Not what he thinks I expect of him based on our liaison. That whole "wait three days and call" shit is just completely un-sat. I'm not standing for it.

Either a man wishes to see me and speak to me or he doesn't. I refuse to chase them around. I will give them the opportunity to talk to me, etc. but if they don't want to make a concerted effort, then I really don't want them in my life. So, who cares? I know sometimes I get irritated that people don't do polite things anymore, like tell someone, "Hey, sorry it's not working out for me. Have a nice life." They just wait for you to figure it out. Lots of wasted time for everyone.

2002-08-16T14:07:00.000-04:00

Someone I know told me that Gemini's have a tendency to not get involved with anyone... emotional entanglements that are not on our own terms are undesirable. I have been seriously contemplating this. I don't always hold true that EVERYthing about astrology is true, but honestly I've seen quite a bit that is so spot on it's a bit spooky. I keep wondering about this particular bit though. I wonder if that's why I often feel a bit isolated and emotionally cut off. I have very dear friends whom I cherish, but I've never truly let them in. I have a part of myself and my life that I don't share with anyone. I tend to seperate everyone. Never the twain shall meet sort of thing. I don't mix friends often... is that a bit odd? I often feel it is. I feel like I want to involve them all but then I become insular and isolationist again. I think this might be unhealthy. I'll have to ponder it truly, but I suppose that in order to be myself, I mean really be myself, then I need to mix the parts of my life so they at least touch in some way. The only things I refuse to do this with are my personal and professional life. They will forever remain seperate. I have to do that for my sanity and protection. :)

2002-08-16T11:45:00.000-04:00

So Wednesday I met up with Trevor at Garfunkel's Cafe in Cambridge. He wasn't really what I expected, but I absolutely adore his laugh. I was completely at ease and I behaved myself quite well.

We left Garfunkels and went up to this Chinese place on Regent Street. Awesome food, lovely company. I really enjoyed myself.

Strangely I was really not expecting to like him so much. Nor did I think he liked me THAT much. He seemed reserved but nice. Then when he walked me to my car, he kissed me! I was completely shocked! Then I questioned in my head whether he did that because he thought he was supposed to, or if he really wanted to. But the next thing I knew, when I got home he sent me a text message. I replied. He sent another! I let it alone. I had to go to bed. But he called me the next day.... he's already asking when we can go out again. He tells me I'm a good kisser and that I've got a sexy voice when I'm tired. Okay, what just happened here? I'm a bit overwhelmed by it all.

And does it make me a shitty person because I am planning on spending Saturday with Andrew in London? And then meeting Jamie on Monday before I leave?

I feel like it's all quite a whirlwind, but I don't really want it to end quite yet. Just when I wasn't looking to complicate things, then here comes Rob.

Rob is much older, but I find him a delight. We find ourselves on the phone at the oddest times of day and we never have a 5 minute conversation. He calls me in the morning while he is driving to work because he knows I'm an early riser. It puts me in a great mood the rest of the day when we've chatted... We should be old enough to know better, but we're acting like kids. He sent me a photograph of a flower from his garden today because he wanted to send me flowers but doesn't know my address. I was thrilled! But yes I'm still going to go hang out with Andrew and with Jamie. I can tell you what will happen with them, though. Andrew and I will have a mad passionate fling. Might even be a prolonged fling. But it'll be a fling nonetheless, and Jamie... adore him, but Jamie's not in the right place in his heart for me. He might be ready for a girlfriend or even a real partner, but he's not ready for the demanding bitch that is me :) hahaha just kidding about that demanding part :)

So, while it may make me a shitty person, I think I'm feeding my heart. It needs this attention. Like pain and suffering tax for all the times men have seemingly run away from me as fast as they can... as if I was a horrible beastie. I'm just going to enjoy a bit of attention for a change :)

2002-08-14T01:15:00.000-04:00

I think I'm figuring out why some of these dating things don't work.

Take your pre-conceived notions and couple them with your skewed vision of yourself, couple that with the various communications/language issues that crop up between men and women and there you have your failure.

I admit that my vision of myself may be a bit off. I describe myself as a woman of medium build for my height, but maybe someone else might not think I'm medium. A man may describe himself as easy-going, but he comes across as a milquetoast. That's not easy-going. That's a doormat.

See, always a difference in perspective.

I'm going to explore this further and write a bit more about it... I've got an outing this evening with Trevor. Nice guy from Bedford. Has teenaged daughter and an 11 year old son. Plays rugby. Rugby's like hockey without the ice and sticks and they have a football... no pads and they regularly beat the hell out of each other.

Peace Love and Garfunkels

2002-08-12T17:42:00.000-04:00

I don't really tell anyone about these cos it's sort of bizarro to be on an internet dating thing... or at least most of the people I'm acquainted with think it's just for freaks who can't get a date :) I must be a freak who can't get a date :) hahahhaa

Okay well here's a little bit about my 2nd date :)

His name is Steve. We agree to meet for dinner. I have reservations about him. He's been rather keen to meet and I really don't think there's anything there. But I can't overlook anyone who has been so nice otherwise.

If I say looks don't matter, I really have to stick to that philosophy... cos they really don't.

I stood next to the entrance to King's College in Cambridge. My only thought is, "Oh God, please don't let that be him." He walked toward me in a pair of Jordache jeans that were 3 sizes too big, cowboy boots (yes they wear them here), and a shirt that had seen some better days. He was about my height. (I'm about 5'5".) As he approached me, I could see the eagerness in his smile. I smile and say hello. "Ana?" "Yes," I reply. Oh God. Deep breathing. He immediately launches into how he saw me but wasn't sure. This is a typical line of conversation that most internet daters use to cover how nervous they are.

And then we ease into the new context of physicality.

He wasn't unpleasant... we had easy conversation, but it was obvious he was really behaving. We go to a small pub. As we approach the bar, the pubmaster smiles at us. He asks for a pint, he asks me what I would like. I order mineral water. The pubmaster flirts with me while he pours it. He's pleasant, and in any other situation I'd flirt back cos he's a cutie, but no... I've got a few manners :)

We retire to the back patio. During the course of my mineral water and his pint and next pint... I find out he's unemployed. And not in school or something. This bothers me. I deflect all questions about my job.

Eventually, we made our way to a mediterranean restaurant down the street... it was open to the street, very pleasant. The food was good. He had another pint and a glass of wine with dinner. Oh and Cointreau and coffee after dinner. Conversation continued to be pleasant, but I spent a good deal of my time watching people walk by... Cambridge is such a cool place and there are so many neat people walking around there... I asked a few cultural questions.

As we are parting, he looks as if he wants to kiss me. I deflect this as well. I'm teflon girl! :) I say my goodbye and walk quickly to the parking garage...briefly, the bitch in me considers going back to that pub to flirt with the pubmaster a bit, but no... I'd probably run into Steve having another couple of pints for the road. Geez!!!

He emails me later asking me what I thought of him. I am polite and tell him while I really enjoyed myself and think he's a nice person, I didn't think there was a connection on the romantic level. He sent me a text message about 10 minutes later that I will not repeat.

So the skiing date was #3... I've still not figured out what happened to #1. But we'll just continue from here.

I suppose these would be called the Adventures of Flowergrrrl, the UK Chronicle :)

As for now, I've got plans to meet Andrew in London for lunch and possibly dinner ;) depending how things go. Andrew 6'4" is a triathlete & driving instructor. His photo is really quite yummy and he's got this voice that just flows like butter :) And there's Rob T. 6'6" Very nice guy. Cameraman. Amateur pilot. Has a great dog :) And Rob D. 5'10" works in Central government and has an Airedale and whenever we are on the phone we can't shut up... He's got 2 grown kids and helps his 84 year old neighbor do a few things around the house... Oh and Trevor... not sure about him... oh yeah and the Irish poet, the Scottish guy who recites Kipling to me and thinks he wants to marry me ;) It's nice to have a bit of male attention... nice change :)

Peace Love and gotta like a guy with a dog :)

2002-08-11T14:08:00.000-04:00

This is an excerpt from an email I wrote to my girlfriend about my date... I just didn't want to write the whole thing over ;) Read on and see why!

Dear H,

Well true to form, I have had an adventure.

It all started when I met this guy Iain. Nice person. Lives in Luton. Anyway, so he invites me to this place called xscape (they have a website http://www.xscape.co.uk/) Anyway, it's about an hour or so away. So I hop in my little Volvo that needs an overhaul and drive my happy ass to Milton Keynes for this adventure... indoor snow skiing. I know! It's crazy, but I *had* to do it. So... it's half past 5 on Thursday and there I am in jeans, t-shirt, hiking tennies heading toward Bedford. I get to Milton Keynes and promptly take a wrong turn or 4 but then I finally find my way. It's pricey... 20 pounds for an hour, 30 for 2. But I really don't have the time for 2 hours of adventure. Iain is polite but not exactly what I would expect from a date.

I soon realize that I'm not exactly what he's attracted to. He's awfully fussy... like everything must be tidy (his expression). And you know me... I'm anything but... I'm forgetful and a nightmare when it comes to housekeeping. He wore really good shoes to this place, too. Strange if you ask me. And he doused himself with about 6 gallons of something that smelled like Tommy Hilfiger for men... he's 48. I'm thinking no.

So on to the skiing. I felt like I was in a giant freezer skiing on someone's snowcones ;) But it was fun for an hour and I got some great leg exercise. I left spent and tired... legs wobbly from exertion. Yay! As we walked out of this huge complex... I invited him to have a drink with me before I headed home (non-alkie of course) but he said to me, "I don't really like to drink or eat right after such exercise..." What??? Uhm... we didn't run a marathon. It really wasn't all that strenous I thought. Maybe I'm in better shape, or maybe because I was just enjoying the motions and I just cruised... I didn't ski like the boys pointing my skiis straight down the hill and zooming off... I was carving s's into the snow... whatever. So, with that... he said to me, "it was nice meeting you, but I don't really think we have a connection." I, being the classy broad I am, said, "Thank you for your honesty, and yes I agree. We would probably be good friends eventually but I can tell that isn't on your agenda." He got in his perfect Volvo (Brand new one of those big ones) and drove off before I even had my car started. Right on. Glad I went though.

So there, if Mr. Perfect shoes is out there reading this :P next time at least make sure the girl's got her car started!!!

Peace Love and black patent leather perfume :)

2002-08-08T11:43:00.000-04:00

Take my advice... don't mistype www.yahoo.com and spell it www.yah.com.... you'll regret it for sure!

Okay so today I'm heading to Milton Keynes to go to Xscape with a guy I met... he's pretty cool. I like him. I'm supposed to go to London next weekend. I might be able to go have a drink with a guy I met.... different guy... he's sooooo yummy. He's got a voice that just washes over me like butter... makes my knees all melty ;)

Anyway, so let's see... this has been a really busy week. I've forgotten to do a bunch of things... but hey, I'm human. Did I tell you guys that I've lost 2 jeans sizes? Yay! Yup that's right... nearly 25 pounds. I've got another 20 to go I think. I hope I can lose it. I'm trying.

Let's see, what else is happening... nuttin :)

Peace Love and yummy butter voiced boys :)

2002-08-01T16:39:00.000-04:00

It's obviously silly quiz day :)

You are a muse.
What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox
Your magical style is Druidic.
What type of Magic do you work?. Take the Magical Style Quiz by Paradox

2002-07-31T16:39:00.000-04:00

Well I don't know that the internet dating thing is really the issue. I suppose the issue is my self-esteem. While it's taken a beating in the past, I had believed that I had overcome all of that. I thought I felt pretty good about me. But really, sometimes at work I find myself thinking in the old patterns. I find that I put myself down without realizing that I do it. D. often points it out, bless him, but I'm just more careful what I say now around him. I suppose I thought if I had a little positive male attention that it would help me to change how I feel inside and possibly help me triumph in my battle with my demons. The trouble with demons is they're awfully mouthy. No matter how healthy I feel, that demon in there just pipes up and makes his presence known. He needs a damned muzzle. Someone want to sit on him for me?

2002-07-30T16:16:00.000-04:00

Okay, so starting from scratch... new topic. I joined one of those dating sites. Does this make me pathetic? I can't quite decide. Admittedly, I did it because I was really curious and because I admit I'm a bit lonely. Okay I said it... it's out there. I love my life, but it would be nice to have a friend to spend some time with. Since I'm new around here and I really don't have much in common with the people at work... I don't have a social life like I had before. I used to always have something going on, dinner party to attend, friends to meet up with to shop, and I relished my time alone. I still like my time alone, but I guess I miss my friends. So I did it. And well, this last weekend I met one of the guys that I had talked to for a bit. I love his accent. I found his preoccupation with money to be a bit irritating, but I could see past it had I really liked him more. I thought I did, but it just wasn't there. We valiantly went through with his plans he made. Very nice really, met at a pub, had a drink. Then on to a Thai place for lunch. Then a nice walk through the market place by St. Catherine's and then we had a chauffered punt down the Cam river. (see "punting")

So anyway, I had the feeling that he just couldn't get away from me fast enough... Okay fine. So, being the gracious and classy person that I am, despite the fact that we really didn't hit it off, I wrote him a short two-line email to thank him for the nice day. Nothing. Not even, "yeah sure." Nothing. Whatever.

So I've moved on. I still feel a bit stupid for using one of these sites to meet people. But I suppose when you're a bit shy and not that outgoing, it's difficult. One really cool thing, most people here LOVE American accents. Most of the men I've talked to think it's very sexy. Funny, I never in a million years would have thought that I had a sexy accent. Hell, I could listen to some of these guys for hours! They all have that lilt, some have the Scottish thing going on too. It's awesome! It's worth it for nothing else than that!

Funny thing, too. Resistance is futile, I'll say. My speech pattern is changing a lot. I call things by their British names now too. Now I just have to memorize this and I'll fit right in.

2002-07-30T16:07:00.000-04:00

Well now I'm really pissed... I spent about an hour on an entry and then something happened and it got completely nuked. ACK!!!

2002-07-30T15:06:00.000-04:00

England's been having a heatwave. It was very hot all weekend and today started out quite hot. I was so hot at work, I was "glistening" all day... (girls don't sweat, right! LOL) At about 2 pm the heavens opened and dumped a few inches of cooling water on us. I happened to be heading out right when it started coming down hard. By the time I got to my destination, my pants were soaked through and I

2002-07-17T07:36:00.000-04:00

Well I've gotten absolutely nothing done today. I'm not feeling myself. I think the adjustments in my diet are effecting me more than I thought they would. If you're curious, I'm on the controversial Atkin's plan. It's really taken some doing to get used to it. Admittedly I don't crave sugar like I used to. But I do crave fruit, oddly enough. I'm not really all that big into fruit, and on this plan you're not supposed to have it, but I've been drinking tea that has been infused with fruit and some things like hibiscus flowers or stevia. This usually satisfies my cravings. The meat eating is really out of character for me. I normally eat lots of vegetables and legumes. I'm really limited on how much of them I can have on this plan. And I'll eventually be able to have potatoes, but not a lot of them. Possibly once a week. And no bread. I haven't had rice or bread in weeks. I miss sushi, that's really about the only thing I lament not being able to have... okay I miss the french fries too, but hey, who doesn't? :)

I've been able to get about half of my boxes unpacked. I need to put my bed together and set it up, but I've made a lot of progress. Next weekend, I hope to get some more unpacking done. I can't really put things away yet, because I have no where to put anything. This is forcing me to re-evaluate the sheer volume of clothing that I have. I'm going to have to get rid of some things just to have room for the good stuff.

I have GOT to clean up this template. It's just out of control. Well I'm just falling apart all over aren't I? HAHAHA ;)

2002-07-16T03:25:00.000-04:00

Oh no.... bad bad flowergrrrl. I've really managed to neglect this since I haven't had my own computer. I don't like to access this using a public one. Just sort of makes me weird.... okay, weirder. :) Anyway, it's been an action-packed few weeks.

I've got a new doctor and she put me on a new diet. It's a lot of work but as long as I see results like I am... I'll stick with it. I went up to visit my friend who lives in a different city. Talk about beautiful! And her house is so pretty! I am finding that England is full of history, variety, and interesting things. For such a small country, there are so many things to do! I'm really enjoying this!

I'm busily unpacking all my stuff. It's a horrible job, but I'm trying to look at it like Sunshine (my friend I mentioned earlier). She always likens unpacking to having a form of Christmas, unwrapping your own treasures and rediscovering things you forgot you had. That's wonderfully optimistic, especially coming from Sunshine, but for me it's really quite frustrating. Especially because I have next to no storage options. I'm definitely going to have to weed out a great many things. Not an attractive prospect. Especially since I've been losing weight. I don't want to have to replace all my clothes. And yes the loss is becoming that drastic.

Wow... rambly aren't I? Well I'll have to finish catching up on everything at a later time.

Cheers!

2002-05-31T12:00:00.000-04:00

How can I possibly distill the last couple of weeks into something coherent and relatively readable? Hm. I've been remiss in updating this journal as I've been lax on dealing with email and dealing with other chores in my life. I think the time adjustment is catching up with me again as I've really been quite lethargic and fatigued. It could also be the climate. It's been rainy lately. Today was beautiful though. I suppose we need all that rain to effectively appreciate the sunny times.

At least that's what I tell myself anyway. For the most part, though, it's been really great. I spent two days last week in Cambridge. It's about 15 miles from the apartment I'm moving into in a couple of weeks. Perfect. I get a small town feel but all the advantages of a big city are but a 20 minute drive away. Thank goodness! I was concerned that any of the larger cultural activities, like symphony or opera, I'd have to drive to London. Eww!

We flew out of London when we went to Monterey. London is a mess. Very cool, but really really big and busy. Just like any big and busy city. Except they drive on the other side and everyone has an accent.

As for work, it's been busy... learning a lot. Meeting new people. Most of them are pretty neat. An interesting bunch. Some of them are rather odd, but that's always been so in this field. A couple of cuties, but nothing that takes my breath away.

More later... Peace Love and it doesn't get dark until 9:30 at night!!

2002-05-21T14:50:00.000-04:00

Well after all that headache, pain and suffering... I went to Monterey anyway. Last minute, completely not expecting myself to. And I enjoyed the trip overall. I was too busy to really do that much and I wasn't really willing to drag my colleague all over hell and back just because I wanted to go. But we were there at one of the most notable times of the year. God got out his paintbrush and painted the flowers along the coastline this beautiful pink and purple. It really looked like a picture postcard.

I was able to visit with an old friend one evening. That was so wonderful to see him. I'm still looking for another old friend of mine. He might not live in that area anymore though. But I'm still trying.

Overall, this trip didn't really undermine any control at all. As a matter of fact, I believe I might actually have gotten things by the throat, at my mercy. Maybe I should loosen my grip. Hehehe

2002-05-07T13:45:00.000-04:00

I've been playing the victim over here... I've been allowing my life to happen to me, vice choosing what I allow to happen in my life. I'll not have it. So here's the plan. I'm going to say no to the Monterey trip. I can go later. Or not at all in the years that I will be here. I must focus on my life here. Making my transition here a smooth one. Not flitting back and forth between continents. Good lord! I'm not Wonder Woman. I must admit my limitations. I must define my boundaries and stick to them.

Making this choice somehow brings on a sense of relief. Of peace. Of feeling as if I can regain the reigns of control that I had let slip from my exhausted fingers.

I've looked here at places to live. I like it... it's very cute! But I don't know if I want to live where I cannot park my car. This is another issue that I'm struggling with. Love the apartment, hate the parking. What is it worth? And then another issue just occurred to me. My battery ran down in my car. I need a jump. Do I want to have to call the auto club? Or would I rather ask a neighbor for assistance in this situation? Tough choice. So, there are other options. I'm in the thick of the hunt for them.

I'll let ya know!

2002-05-06T14:42:00.000-04:00

So, ya wanna know more about Ely? Here's the website: http://www.ely.org.uk/

Had a very stress-filled day today. But as I've always said, "I may be stressed.... but I'm stressed in England, baby!" How can that truly suck?

And as for places to live... well I may not be able to have that apartment. Keep all your crossables crossed... and cross a few uncrossables if you can. I hear that really helps!

But I'm off to California next week for a seminar for work. 5 days there and I've got some shopping to do! Hehehee! Besides it's in Monterey... probably the prettiest place on the face of the earth... except it's never really warm there. Sort of like San Francisco. No complaints here, though. Otters! I get to see the otters! (As you can probably surmise, I'm an otter person.)

Oh and yes, I'll see what I can do about posting pics eventually. This requires equipment that I do not currently have access to. But I'll get right on it! :-)

2002-05-04T12:08:00.000-04:00

About the apartment, I'm not sure when I'll be able to move in. I spoke to the landlady yesterday and told her that I really wanted the place. We agreed that she'd raise the rent a bit (a girl from work, Beth, lives there now and only pays 400 pounds and we're allowed 525.) It's a gorgeous place with high ceilings and lots of light. The front room has a bay window overlooking the street. Beth has a table next to that window so she could look out when she eats or sits there sipping her cool bevvy (beverage). The bedrooms were a good size, also with high ceilings. I could envision my bed in the master bedroom and there would even be room for me to put the canopy top on it. It's a lovely little town, too. Full of life and busy-ness. You can see ye olde clock tower from the bedroom window and the kitchen is huge! Big enough even for a full size (well European full size anyway) refrigerator. Full size instead of dorm room size. There is a wine shop next door on the corner. (Is this kismet or what???) And that's the main street. (or the High street, if you will) Then if you turn up the street in the other direction there is a Waitrose grocery store. There are a couple of restaurants that Beth recommended that you can walk to. And a pub. And the main shopping area (The Rookery) is about a 5 minute walk down the street. There are tons of little stores in there. The landlady said that her husband wants to paint the ceilings and also possibly clean the carpets. They'd like a week in between when she moves out and I move in. That puts us into June. Not that big of a deal I don't think, but we'll have to see what the housing office will say. If not, then I'll keep looking.

Now this may sound goofy to some but.... I drove, (yes, that's right! all by myself!!!) to the village of Ely today. I wanted to see their world famous cathedral. It was quite spur of the moment. I didn't really have any specific plans. So there I was, driving along... trying like hell not to hit anything... I rounded a bend in the road and like a vision, out of nowhere, there was this enormous cathedral! It is huge! Imposing. I had to take a few breaths, because it really took me by surprise. I somehow had the presence of mind to park in a really great little lot at the bottom of this hill. I got out of the car and walked around this house and boom! there was the river. Tons of boats and geese and swans and ducks... I watched the swans for a while. I felt as though I was in a dream. But it was real and it was happening. I walked up the main street toward where I thought the city centre must be and found myself in the midst of this crafter's fair. I wandered around it for a bit then found the gate to the palace grounds.

Oh my gosh! I can't even begin to tell you what I was thinking. I wondered what it must have been like for a simple country person to come to the cathedral hundreds of years ago. How frightening that must be for someone who's never seen anything like it. How impressive it must have been for them. I walked inside and my breath, once again, caught in my throat. It's a thousand years old. It was originally built in 987. Yes that's right: Nine hundred eighty seven. I didn't forget a 1. The stained glass is noteworthy by itself, but then you add all these little carvings and old heavy marble crypts and it's really an overwhelming place. I was lucky enough to participate in a short prayer service. And yes the acoustics were fantastic. I swear this place looks like something out of a movie. Like the Queen hangs out there or something. She's apparently coming, though. I think for her jubilee trip, maybe. Anyway, I could continue to ramble on for a while about it, but I did manage to take some pictures. Not a great many, but hey, I live here, I can go back! This was just such a treat since it was my maiden voyage in my adventures! I didn't get lost. I didn't come close to being in an accident. I consider it a shining success!

2002-04-29T11:34:00.000-04:00

Okay so I don't have a whole lot of time. I found this little cyber "cafe" but there's no coffee at night... bummer... anyway, this has been a heck of a busy week. I found an apartment. Or more like, it found me. I absolutely adore it! It's a 2 bedroom flat over the top of an antique store. It's on a busy corner in this little town about 30 minutes away from work. There's a wine shop on the corner, no where to park my car and a grocery store up the street. Everything within walking distance... but as I said, no where to park. Oh well, everything is a trade off I suppose.

And yes that leads me to driving in the UK. What a trip! I'm slowly figuring out the roundabouts. My friend has graciously offered his assistance as driving instructor/navigator on occasion. But I've had a couple of trips by myself. Just short ones, mind you. I'm still a bit new to this. I suppose this weekend I'll have to plan a trip to practice. Hm.

Cheerio and Pip pip and all that.

2002-04-26T07:27:00.000-04:00

Enter dancing girls in kilts and cute little berets... (yeah so what it's not English... it's the only thing I could think of... get off me!)

So, let's see.... I'm still overjoyed to be here. Even though it's raining and blustery cold today. Frankly I'm glad of that since when it was hot I was concerned that I had not brought the proper clothing. Now I'm sure I did. Ha.

I got my driving license today. I missed no questions. Now comes the true test. (drumroll please... ) Roundabouts. (Oh the horror!!!) I'm not freaked about driving on the left side. Nor am I worried about narrow roads. I am, however, really confused by the roundabouts. I'm sure I'll get used to them. The guy doing the driver training said, "You have to go do them to figure them out." Okay well this doesn't help. Somehow I'm sure I'll end up like Chevy Chase in National Lampoon's European Vacation, except for there's no "Big Ben" to keep looking at around here. It's mostly farmland and small villages. Then there's Cambridge.

I'm taking my first bus adventure to Cambridge this weekend. At least that's what I'm planning anyway. I've got myself a map, a guidebook, a bus schedule and a healthy sense of humor. I have already screwed up. And I was just stupid this time. I wanted some iced tea instead of a soda. So I hit the spigot and the liquid was hot. And I thought, Hmmmm well that's right they don't like their tea iced. I just put more ice in it. I go be-bopping back to my chair and sit down. I take a big long pull on the straw and turns out it was coffee!!! Ack!!! I like iced coffee if it's Starbucks and I do it on purpose. This just scared me! I was trying so hard not to laugh at myself because I was alone and I"m sure the other people would have perceived me as looney tunes. (Is that the proper English term for "NUTS"????) Anyway, I just thought I'd share that. Stop laughing. It wasn't that funny! (hehehehe)

I was wondering if there was anything about the US that I truly missed yet. And the answer: Not really. I thought I'd miss bookstores and coffeehouses and diners. While I really haven't been a lot of places yet, I can see that there is enough here that will distract me and I won't miss that stuff too much. Not to mention that I'm already busy with work and other stuff. With all the working trips I'm scheduled for so far, I may not even get settled into a house until this summer. That really doesn't bother me.

2002-04-16T23:48:00.000-04:00

The dreaded farewell luncheon was today. It was nice to have my friends there. The people who have been supportive during the recent difficulties. The people who have watched me completely fall apart and then slowly put my game face back on and recover my dignity. Most of the ones I really really like were there. I guess I was just surprised at the list of the people who weren't. Then, to top it off, the front office sent a "representative"... someone I've never laid eyes on before. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. It's happened at nearly every luncheon I've had. I hate that...

I'm getting way way more excited about leaving though. New people. New challenges. New country. New everything. I feel as if it's the next step in my own personal evolution. As if I'll find the other part of my life there. It's already pretty full but I suppose I have in mind to expand what I have and round out some new parts of myself that I've neglected.

It was sweltering hot here today. 90's. But I think by the weekend it should be back to normal Spring weather. But I'll bet it's cold in England. I guess I'll find out when I get there on Saturday morning!!!!

Strange but I'll often have a million things I want to write about but then I sit here and I feel stifled and completely unable to get my thoughts together.

2002-04-15T17:35:00.000-04:00

It's Monday. And I'm watching a re-run of Remington Steele. I used to think that Pierce Brosnan was so sexy. Then I realized how skinny he is. He's still cute but not that cute.

Things are moving along. I still have packages to mail but overall, things are at least marching on. Hopefully I'll get to see all my friends before I leave, but it looks like my study group might be omitted from my list of stops. It's just so far of a drive from my aunt's house (over an hour) and at that time of night, I'm not okay with that. Especially not when I'll be driving a borrowed car. At night. On roads I'm not that familiar with. While I'm tired. Not smart. They'll live.

My luncheon is tomorrow. I've invited my aunt and uncle so they can meet all the crazy fools I work with. And the nice people too. I'll miss some of them. The others... well I'll just count my life as more varied for having encountered them.

Oh... time to go have dinner at the senior's restaurant at Leisure World. (Lovingly nicknamed "Siezure World".)

2002-04-12T23:56:00.000-04:00

It's Friday night and I'm watching some stupid movie on the SciFi Channel. Lobster Man Meets the Local NRA Chapter. I could never figure out why you'd need sidearms in space. Well I suppose it's in case you run into Lobster Man. He's a cranky fellow.

This time next Friday, though, I'll be on a plane... winging my way across the big pond (the Atlantic Ocean) heading to the land of pip-pip, cheerio, bangers, bubbles n' squeak, plowman's lunches and all things "quite" charming. I'm still a bit numb. It's real but not. Strange feeling. Difficult to describe.

I went to lunch with a bunch of my office cronies today. Not my official luncheon, that's not until Tuesday, but this was just a bunch of people going to lunch and I went with them. I was having a splendid time until the young one opened her mouth. She cannot participate mutually in any conversation, she must dominate it. If you're speaking on a topic she doesn't know anything about then she tries to change the subject and is constantly telling anecdotes about all the things she's done and seen. She's 22. I often have to remind myself that this is youth and she's having difficulty accepting that other people are around her and deserve consideration. I just hope that I never acted that way. I try really hard to just shut my mouth and listen. She always waits to talk. Rarely listens. I find that irritating. Bad thing is, I like her, she's a nice person. But I can also tell she's extremely insecure. And if she tells me one more time that she's a size 6 I'm going to smack her. She's no more a size 6 than I'm Godzilla. End of rant.

I just chatted with my cousin. Her wedding was lovely. Her husband's a doll. How am I? Blah blah blah. Then I get another note from a guy that I went to school with. Another parent and what am I up to. I think I'm going to puke.

Yes there's more of my acidic tongue. Why the hell is it that everyone around me is getting married and having babies all the sudden? Or do I just have a complex?

Maybe it's just serving to make this career move all the more tasty. Admittedly I do feel snobby or as if I have an attitude when I answer these questions about myself. I guess I'm just focussed on it because I've had all these emails in the past week or two. But I know that's my problem.

2002-04-10T20:59:00.000-04:00

So, I'm watching tv. Again.

Yesterday was desk building and setting up. It was nearly painful. It was painful at times. But it's not important. Really.

It's beginning to sink in... it's not so surreal anymore. It's not as if this was a surprise or anything. I've had my ticket for 2 weeks. Yet every time I count up the days (I'm in single digits now!) it's sort of a jolt. I have sooooooo much to finish.

But it's nearly here. England here I come. I wonder if they're ready for me? I know I'm ready for them...

2002-04-08T23:01:00.000-04:00

I'm still here.

I don't really go to work anymore as I've got all sorts of crazed running about to do. Not to mention, I'm redesigning the computer room for my aunt. As you can imagine, this task is not for the faint of heart. I've been calming and cajoling... ranting and recanting... this is not as easy as it looked. Well it didn't look easy at all, so there.

For myself, I'm researching all the things I want to do when I get there... reading a lot... and watching a lot of tv for some reason. I did buy myself some yarn, though, to make a shawl I've been wanting to make... mohair and alpaca. It's like having a pet in my lap.

I got a note from an old high school/college friend. Why is it that I'm obsessing a little about what she must think of me? I don't really care what anyone thinks of me, but then suddenly when you're asking questions about myself and what's become of me, I suddenly get so self-conscious. It might have something to do with the fact that she's a mother and I'm not... yet she assumed I was. I guess there are times when I waiver a bit on that decision. Even though I didn't tell her about that part, I think it still made me sound horribly self-absorbed. Or maybe that's just a projection. I'm not sure. *waiver waiver*

Anyway, anytime I hear from someone I used to know it makes me terribly self-conscious. I suppose I ought to allow it to propel me to new heights of self-awareness and appreciation that I no longer am in the same life nor the same person I was 15 years ago. Yet I don't.

It probably isn't helping that I'm horrendously bloated and I just watched "Model" on the Style channel. I hate tv. Bah.

I'm still trying to post/publish this. For some reason it's giving me trouble... harumph!

2002-04-02T17:15:00.000-05:00

I can never bitch about my family ever again. They've been so wonderful and generous. They love that I'm staying here. In exchange for my basic system administration help and the dazzling use of my rudimentary cooking skills... as well as my scintillating dinner conversation and charming personality, I'm welcome to stay as long as I like.

I really can't ask for more. Well I could but that really would be so bitchy that even I'm not capable of that level of bitch. Well I am, but I won't allow myself to do it. (At least I know this about myself and have no problem acknowledging it.)

On another note, my plane leaves on the 19th. I'm so excited I can't see straight! Just about everyone I have been talking to lately is just as excited for me as I am. Either that or they're calling me names out of jealousy, but hey, who cares? I'm goin' ta England!

So, I have 3 more things to do at work, then turn in my keys. That will end the horrible stress. Or at least I hope so. I have been so freaked out over everything that I broke out in a nasty looking rash on my belly a couple of days ago. I am sure it's from stress because it started really bothering me today when I had to talk to my boss for a few minutes. Then when I left, it subsided.

As an aside, I've decided that my general impression of him as a helpful and energetic person was completely wrong. I've decided that the initial vibe I picked up from him was exact. The guy's basically a perv. Gossipy colleagues supported this notion today with their chatty little stories. Normally, if a guy is a perv at work it doesn't bother me unless it's directed at an individual. If it's just your generally cheeky stories or dirty jokes and innuendos, it's not really a big thing. But direct comments or touching is NOT acceptable at work. I won't be working there anymore so there is no danger of this with me, nor do I believe he would do this to any of the other girls currently in my office, but you never know. I'm glad to be gone, but I hope I'm not a rat deserting a sinking ship.

So, I'm missing class tonight because I haven't done the reading. Oh well. I guess I can go next week when we start Aristotle. I just miss Holly. She sent me an email last week because she missed me.

Peace Love and PIcadilly :)

2002-03-31T19:06:00.000-05:00

I suppose I spoke too soon about things going right. (sigh)

I'm basically homeless at this point. While my cousin points out that it's giving me a good perspective on the homeless social problems we have in this country and my boss points out that I can always come stay with him, this gives me little comfort.

I thought I'd be able to stay in this particular inexpensive hotel and that my employer was picking up part of the bill. Or at least going to reimburse me for a majority of it. That apparently is not the case. Grrrr. And let me just add one more Grrrrr for good measure.

Hopefully this week the situation will be resolved, but for now, I'm staying with my aunt and uncle. It's wonderful to spend time with them, I have little privacy and I know I'm imposing. This makes me uncomfortable as you can imagine. But it builds character and it reminds me that I have to be a little more vocal about asking for help. Possibly what I saw as asking for help was really not asking for help. Perspectives.

Oh and I've overpacked. It's always so nice to go stay at someones house and you're pulling your conga-line of suitcases behind you. Makes for interesting comments: Whatchya got in there? Why are you taking that? What's in that bag??? Gold bullion? You get the picture.

Happy Easter to everyone. And to those who are afraid of the Easter Bunny... RUN!!!!!

2002-03-18T16:26:00.000-05:00

Today some things actually went right for a change. I was completely shocked. When I received the answer that I wanted, I nearly fainted.

I've moved over 20 times in my life. Twice I've even moved overseas. I cannot believe how difficult this particular move has been. I mean, it's always painful, stressful, fraught with a myriad of complications, but this one in particular has just been hellish. I suppose not all things can come easy. Many people have more difficult and complicated lives than mine, so I suppose I should just be happy.

So, I'm packing. Packing should be a four-letter word. I think they ought to teach college courses on packing. They should have seminars on packing. You should be able to inventory your wardrobe and have a professional packer advise you. I have to pare down my life of the last 5 years. I have to distill 2 months of winter-turning-spring clothes into 3 suitcases. Why does this always seem so intimidating? Every time I go through this I tell myself that I really should only build a wardrobe around one color (black or brown). Unfortunately, one cannot be as fickle or (as I prefer to call it) over-interested as I am to carry out this strategy. I can never decide which I like best. Makes for very complicated packing maneuvers.

2002-03-15T23:17:00.000-05:00

Albert Einstein is a very cool guy. I so dig him :)

2002-03-14T19:29:00.000-05:00

It's been quite some time since I've written in my journal but there's been a lot happening. So much that I've just wanted to shut down at night. I often will just turn everything off and go to bed to read. I've gotten to the point where I'm often overwhelmed with everything that is happening.

Let's see... I could ramble on about why that annoying girl at work needs me to punch her. But then that would be stoking violence.

Or I could ramble on about my latest philosophy readings or the Hyperion series I'm reading. But that'd just bore ya.

I really am overwhelmed if I'm not willing to bore everyone.

I've been sorting out my life over the past 5 years. I have to do my taxes, pack my clothes for a several week stint with nothing but them and books... I have to organize my house to have it packed up, weeding out the things they won't pack and checking for the dreaded gypsy moth infestation. I have to disassemble my entire life here... while I know intellectually they're just material things, I just wish sometimes that I didn't have to disrupt everything. I've grown quite comfortable. Then again, this is precisely what I need. To shake things up. To test myself. To do things I've never done before. To live somewhere that no one in the family has ever lived... to discover things that I never thought possible.

Tomorrow we have team-building all day and lunch... then a big meeting. Oy. I'll get stuck in the horrendous Friday traffic and then won't be home til 6. Ewww. okay now I'm whining... look away!

2002-03-06T17:20:00.000-05:00

Iota Club and Cafe There's a show on Friday that I'd love to go to! If you've never heard Over the Rhine, they're wonderful!

2002-03-04T18:36:00.000-05:00

You've heard of Necronomicon... there's even a Cryptonomicon (cyberpunk novel by Neal Stephenson)... well I'd like to propose my own Moronomicon. The chronicle of morons throughout the world. Feel free to add your thoughts :)

My days are filled with time that I have to leave the house lately. When the house is being shown, it should be empty of all humans. So, I spend time at the bookstore. Today I went to the mall to take a walk. It's blustery c-c-c-cold today. I wanted to be outside, but it was just way too cold. So I walked about inside for an hour and then grabbed a quick bite to eat, read my book for a while then headed home.

I thought about going to a movie, but really didn't want to spend that much time away... I want to go to bed early and read... early. Hell I was thinking about doing it when I returned this evening, but that really would be excessive.

Soon I'll be living in a hotel and I'll be lucky if I can sweet-talk a laptop out of my boss again. So, there may be a few weeks where I don't have any entries at all.

I bought a book about style sheets the other night. They rule! I can't wait to learn more and start playing with them extensively. I love the idea of them. I think my next investment will be a JavaScript book. Not Java, but JavaScript...

I bought myself a mini-cassette recorder at the suggestion of my dear friend D. It really was a brilliant idea. I find myself in my car quite a bit. Stuck in traffic, driving to a friend's house... I spend a lot of time in my car. While normally I carry a notebook around with me all the time, it's really not safe to write while driving. Generally speaking it really isn't smart. So now I can just grab the recorder and voice my thought-lette and get on with my life.

Here are some of the things I've come up with in the car:

musings surrounding the "knight in shining armor" phenomenon in movies

various reminders to myself

when did we forget to say excuse me? people are so rude!!!

I tried to see if I snore... if I do it's not loud enough to set off voice activated thing

intimacy... physical gestures that belie emotional intimacy

tell my stepmonster's sister to open up her own business

summary of my conversation with my friend John...

reminder to research the safety record and customer satisfaction summaries of some of the vehicles I've been thinking about

"Moronomicon" and musings about the idiots on the beltway... stupidity seems to reign around here...

Things at work seem to be clicking along. Strangely, my boss doesn't really seem to give a hoot that things were screwed up for me while he was gone. Well, to be fair I really shouldn't jump to that conclusion since I didn't see him for very long today. We'll see what he says to me tomorrow. Once I'm gone, once I've gotten myself extricated from the situation completely, I'm filing a formal complaint against the entire group for this. None of these things should ever have happened.

2002-02-27T19:57:00.000-05:00

Today wasn't much better than yesterday except I was able to get a bit of support. Emotional support. Yesterday I called a company chaplain (we have two). Their job is to help provide emotional and spiritual support to those in my profession as we often have unique problems. He basically gave the party line of "well we all have to do jobs that are hard, deal with it." The man didn't even offer to counsel me or pray with me or anything. He didn't offer to refer me to a qualified counsellor. I was disgusted. Today I complained to someone who can help me.
So, on my way home from dinner, I had some ruminations I thought I'd share.
Professional sports: I have always liked sports. I like games. But I became disenchanted with professional sports back in the early eighties when the ball players decided to strike. The more I thought about it, the more disgusted I became. There these guys were, well paid, well travelled, playing ball! They'd dreamed of doing that since they were kids! Hell they acted like a bunch of large children. Still do. What's the point of sports anyway? It's entertainment right? Well, kids look up to these guys... grown-ups too. They have the best jobs in the world! And yeah they can get injured, but if you're getting paid several hundred thousand dollars a year, there's no reason why you can't stash some away and invest for an emergency. Not to mention, these guys get endorsement contracts as well as other really great jobs when they're no longer able to play. They're still looked up to as if they're sort of demigods. Somehow better than everyone else because they can throw a ball particularly well.
So I don't watch it anymore. Especially not on tv. I've gone to games live and have enjoyed that. But it's rare.
This is another reason I have a difficult time with the Olympics. It's become so commercial. The second day after the Olympics was over they had a commercial for the new ice show with all the skaters that won as well as some former winners.
(raising hand) Subject change!!! My landlords are showing the house I live in. I'ts been shown a few times so far and I have to be gone again tomorrow evening for another showing. I know they can't do all of them during the day while I'm at work, but I wish they would. Oh well. It's less of a pain to be gone than it is to actually keep my house uberclean. I suppose it's better that I'm gone at mealtimes so there's little chance my kitchen is messy so that I'd have to clean it up on such short notice. I hate that I can't leave anything out and I had to put everything away. My apartment looks almost stark.

2002-02-25T21:44:00.000-05:00

Well what a day. I told myself I wouldn't write about it, but frankly, I need to sort it out in my head as well as my heart. After all the efforts I've given and all the heartache I've endured, I called to find out about my request to move to Colorado today. They've lost my paperwork. After everything. I can't believe it. It's not as if the answer is no or wait until Friday. The answer is, "What are you talking about? We don't have anything for you." I lost it. I cried in my boss's office. I cried all the way to my car. I cried the whole way home. I cried in my best friend's living room. Tears of frustration, of anger, of feeling betrayed. Of feeling unimportant in the gears of the grand machine. If I didn't have a contract I'd soooo be outta here. After all the years of faithful service. After sticking with it through some seriously difficult times. This is how I'm treated.
I have a couple of options open. I'm taking them. One step at a time, but it's possible this might get ugly. I don't want that. I really don't want that battle. Those are fraught with seriously hairy consequences and possibly some bridges that I really don't want to set aflame. Do you flame them even if you're right? It really could hurt me in the long run. Or I could stand up for myself and not be so fecking nice. Rule number one is usually don't piss off the people in personnel but in this instance I think I might have to at least rattle some cages. This is just unacceptable. The process is broken. It needs fixing. I don't know why I have been chosen to be the catalyst for change, but if I can prevent some other poor soul from experiencing the despair and heartbreak I've been going through, I suppose it's worth it. But as big about this as I try to be, it doesn't change the fact that damn it!!! I've been screwed!!! Again!!!! And I didn't get a kiss first!!! And I'm flipping mad!!!!
Did I promise I wouldn't rant entirely or just not about my philosophy group?

2002-02-23T22:31:00.000-05:00

top Photo: Russians withdraw threat to leave Winter Games Love figure skating...

2002-02-23T22:19:00.000-05:00

Koh projects: Knitwork I love this project. I would do the same if I could :) or if I had her determination and patience. Fabulous.

2002-02-22T22:36:00.000-05:00

well for some reason I've had a weird hair and I've been playing with my template almost obsessively. I'm not exactly sure why, but yesterday I played with my webpages all day at work... came home, had a nice little chat with the magic man and then after dinner I played with my templates for both my blogs. I'm surprised at myself. Used to be the last thing I wanted to do when I got home was play on the computer. Now for some reason I regularly lose myself in it. I don't watch tv anymore at all. Especially now the 'Lympix are on. I only watch 2 shows anyway. Although I would like to watch The Simpson's more often. It never ceases to make me laugh. I like the Simpson's for the same reason I liked Seinfeld. It's a show where horrible people are doing awful things to one another and there's never any moral or any learning going on... there's sometimes resolving a problem but they don't really learn anything or change. It's immensely entertaining for it's satirical value... hence my desire to have time to watch it more often. Well, I guess I could make the time. It's not as if I'm doing anything but reading philosophy, knitting or screwing around with my templates. And I'm not really making any progress but I've learned a lot!!! Which was the point. But still, it's not necessary to be this obsessive.
*lightbulb* Could that be why my boss asked me today, "Do you spell 'anal-retentive' with a hyphen?" This was after I toilet-papered his office. Literally. Of course, he doesn't know it was me. At least I don't think so. That notwithstanding, next week, I'm turning everything on his desk upside-down. Anyone think of anything good to do... harmless practical jokes... please share. One of my friends put her boss's brand new Lexus on the "For Sale" bulletin board at work... she advertised it for $10,000. I think they paid nearly $30,000. He got calls for weeks before he figured out where everyone was getting his number. That was the best one I've heard so far.... And I could do it... he just bought a brand new X-terra. He has no idea who he's messing with. [insert evil cackle--cough sputter gack!]
My friends took me out for Thai food tonight. I ordered green curry... somehow I ended up with red curry. It was really good anyway so I didn't complain. Then we went to the big Asian market across the street. I'd never been in there before and let me just say: Holey Moses! They had these huge Japanese pears the size of softballs! I love those things. And of course there's always the fact that everything is in either Japanese or Korean, Chinese or Vietnamese, Thai or even Tagalog at this store. I'm telling you it's huge! These things look really intriguing, bright packaging and interesting sounding names (the ones with phonetic spellings). I'm sure I butcher the language when I try to say the names out loud. After I checked out all the different rices and noodles and seaweed, I examined all the kimchee (yum!!!) and giggled at my friend for freaking out about the raw squid... we walked into the department store section. We found this lovely velvet and lace beaded coat. It was about $2000 but wow! It was lovely. I coveted that for a while then wandered over to the rice cookers. I have a stupid little rice cooker and I love it. I use it constantly. I think I paid 20 bucks for it. They had a $300 rice cooking machine! Wow! You gotta eat a lot of rice to justify that expense. I'm sure if you're a family of 4 or so who eats rice at every meal that would be okay. I found a really kick-ass lunch box I'm thinking of getting. We wandered over to the cosmetics counter area. There were some photographs from Japan I think. I was admiring how pretty these women are. Personally, I think Asian women are so exotically beautiful. I have a Korean acquaintence and she tells me all the time how she thinks American women are so beautiful and she's even considering having her eyes surgically altered to look more Western. ACK!!! I keep telling her not to. She's lovely the way she is. I suppose it's that whole "grass is greener" syndrome. I should tell her I'm having my eyes done to be more Asian. And that I'll move to Japan and learn the way of the geisha or something... right... and I can keep my mouth shut for all of 10 seconds. That'll happen. Interesting contemplation though.
On that note, I'm taking my obsessive little red-haired self to bed...
Peace Love and Iron Chef!

2002-02-20T15:50:00.000-05:00

Okay after some serious soul-searching and self-flagellation, I've decided that I'm not going to rant about my group anymore. I chose them because they are who they are. I chose them based on certain attributes. If there were some negative things that happened at the beginning, it's nothing compared to the fact that the experience of studying and discussing with these people has not only taught me a lot, it's also enriched my life. There is no price I can put on that.
It makes sense to be grateful for what I've gotten, not lament what I haven't. Normally I'm a "glass-half-full" type of grrrl. Lately under the stress of my life and how it's changed so much, I've caved to the pressure to be ranty and negative. But I'm not scared. Somehow this will work out. Somehow everything that is supposed to happen will happen. I've got to trust God and trust myself. I think that's what has been missing. Trust is everything. And I've overlooked it. Naughty me.
I'm reviewing my notes to see what sense I can make of them. There is so much I'd like to write so I can work through it, but I'm wondering if this is the right forum. It might be better to create a separate blogger to write about this stuff in. That way, those who are not interested in my philosophical ruminations won't have to wade through it to read the ultra-juicy parts about how much I dig stationery and office supplies. I know it's those fruit-like quirky qualities that makes my writing just oh so attractive.
Hope y'all recognized that as dripping with honeyed sarcasm.
I did end up creating a separate blog for my philosophy rants. If you're interested you can read it here.

2002-02-20T05:49:00.000-05:00

I went to study group last night. We were discussing the second half of Theaetetus. For those who haven't read it, it's about epistemology. At least that's what the summary said.
I did the reading, mostly, and even tried to take some notes and participate. Sometimes I get so annoyed with them. I know it's because those guys are young and they get excited about something and then they talk over each other and blah blah blah... but I've basically given up. I go and try to participate because for the most part, the group has some interesting points of view, no matter how much they annoy me. Jon is really the only one besides Josh that I can tolerate on some days. As much as I like Jess, he often becomes patronizing. I like Jess's points. I like the way he expresses himself... but he's an intellectual snob. All this from a construction guy who barely graduated high school. He's done a lot of reading on his own since then... but he completely discounts the value of anything that is fiction or not on the "Great Books" reading list as followed by St. John's. John is a dynamic personality, but he often starts interrupting, monopolizing conversation to express his own point... as if his point of view and expression of it is more important and exclusive of everyone else's understanding.
I'm not even really sure why I continue to go. Half the time they're still lamenting that Brad isn't in our group anymore... the fact that he doesn't deign to come overjoys me. But they're all upset about it.
I dislike Brad very much. He may be very smart and overly educated, but so what? Does that make his viewpoint more valuable? Not in my estimation. He had done the reading already. Somehow this made him the resident expert and so everyone just took what he said as gospel. Brad also treated me and my questions as, "Oh look, isn't that cute! She's got questions... " That is just unacceptable.
Anyway, the things we were discussing last night were interesting and thought-provoking. I'll write more about them when I get home from work. I still have to get some of the points straight.

2002-02-17T08:28:00.000-05:00

Stuff I found cos I'm still sick and pretty bored... Haikus of the news I have a particular fondness for Haiku. My friend G. used to write Haiku about stupid things that were happening at work. They always made me laugh. Then I found a magnetic Haiku kit and we would put together some magnetic haiku on our breaks or lunch hour... It was a wonderful stress-break and so much fun to play with the language. One guy in the office used to write haiku where "Basho-hand" and "Tadpole-face" were characters. His haiku did not follow the rules but we didn't care cos they were so funny. I'll see if I can dig some up. Other stuff There is apparently an "a-list" community of diarists out there. I don't know if anyone remembers my rant from a while ago about diary snobs. Well these are the snobby of the snobs. That doesn't detract from their value. I've included links to them below. They're interesting, amusing, thought-provoking... and their designs are fabulous. I guess I'm only now beginning to grasp design and programming. These guys are way beyond me... even the stuff I do at work. I have friends though. And they are this good. fluffy battle kitten supersquish recently observed littleyellowdifferent And their links are the best ever!!! Check this one out... It's the best new video game ever! I might just have to buy the machine to play this...

2002-02-16T20:53:00.000-05:00

Complete List of QueenDom's Tests and Quizzes

2002-02-16T20:45:00.000-05:00

Schoolhouse Rock Lunch Box

2002-02-16T19:22:00.000-05:00

The Highly Sensitive Person Homepage

A very dear friend of mine sent me this link. He suggested that it might be helpful in my adventures in self-exploration. I took the self-quiz and answered nearly every question as "True." The only ones I didn't were related to caffeine, but actually I should have answered that as true.

One other question was about whether I avoid violence on TV. I don't really, if it's a movie or a show. If it's real I do. And the other question I answered as false was, "I make it a high priority to arrange my life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations." I answered this as false because I don't deliberately set out to avoid upsetting situations when I plan my life. I try to avoid them in general, but I have to take the situations in stride when they occur.
More to follow on this as I ruminate.

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Love my blog when it workie. When it doesn't work I get really irate.

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Supersensitive People

There is a 100 question self-test that you can take. I scored 89.5. I guess it's really not a surprise, but when I was taking the test I was laughing out loud at many of the questions. I kept wondering if the person who'd made up the test was someone who knew me. Like why I like green. I use it to soothe a chaotic mind and spirit. Sometimes it's the only thing I can focus on.

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I re-took the MBTI test... I think I must have changed a bit cos it tells me that I'm an NF now. I am sure I'm still Introverted... but I can't recall the last letter of my type last time. I think it was P. I just thought I was an ISFP but I must have changed my perspective or priorities or something. It's been a couple years since I took that test. Wish I could find the whole thing for free. The website advisor.com (or something like that only gives you the middle part.

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Grrr. I can't remember the html to indent my paragraphs. oh gee... prolly cos there isn't one.

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Hey, what exactly is the point of the term "mental hygeine"? Is that prevention of dirty minds? Cleaning up dirty mentalities? Hm. I like my dirty mind. No soap, please.

Peace Love and brain wash...

Valentine's Revenge...

2002-02-15T20:01:00.000-05:00

BBC - Liverpool - Valentines Day - Revenge tips for lovers...

Ahahahhaahahahhahaa! Too funny. Another one I had to share.

2002-02-15T19:57:00.000-05:00

Into the Wardrobe: a Web site devoted to C. S. Lewis C. S. Lewis is one of my favorite writers of all time. I was reading one of the other bloggers and she's always got the kewlest links. Had to share :)

2002-02-15T10:29:00.000-05:00

Okay I think I'm done futzing with this thing... I've saved all my code and stuff just in case I feel like playing with it later... I'm glad cos I'm sick of the problems at opendiary.com. It seems every time I turn around they're losing money and such. I'm a rat deserting that sinking ship. I'm still sick today. Better than yesterday. Yesterday I sounded awful. Like a tuberculosis patient. Death rattle in the chest, laryngitis so bad it was hard to talk on the phone. Today there's a lovely cough but at least I sound more like a human and not a wraith. I was kidding with a friend of mine and told him that it was my attempt to imitate Stevie Nicks. I just can't sing. Well, I can but no one wants to hear that... trust me. I feel strange now... I took my medicine and it makes me sleepy... but I've had two cups of coffee. So now I'm just swimmy headed. If I didn't feel so out of it, I'd knit today. But I think I'm just going to try to watch a movie or read or something... I'm going to be doing a bit of cleaning for sure. H (my friend and also my housemate) told me she's got a realtor coming over on Sunday. So I need to tidy up for sure. My living room looks like my bookcase and filing cabinet threw up in tandem onto my coffee table and chair. Peace Love and I think a caffeine enriched nap attempt is in order....

Valentine's Day Shmalentine's Day

2002-02-14T21:24:00.000-05:00

I've decided that Valentine's Day is silly.

Over the years I've had more than one Valentine's Day let down. My expectations were not met... and it was really awful. I realize it's just pumped up by Hallmark and Godiva but yes, I've had my share of romantic notions... wishing that my sweetie would come through, doing something to sweep me away. It never turns out that way.

I decided that since I'm single, I am my own darned Valentine! I was sick or I would have bought myself a couple of truffles and taken myself out for a nice dinner. This wasn't what I needed to do for myself today, but I think I'll try to do that this weekend. If I feel better that is.

So here's the question of the day? Why do I bother to make a doctor's appointment for a particular time when I'm just going to have to wait half an hour anyway? Grrr. I was so sick... I got up early to get the 7:30 appointment. I raced there, at breakneck speed. I was lucky not to get a ticket. Then I still didn't get in to see her until it was after 8. Did I miss something? I'll bet if I was late I would have lost the appointment altogether.

Peace Love and not only schizophrenics can be their own valentines :)